


Remains of Yesterday

by rowrote



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy, Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2020-01-16 05:59:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 26
Words: 41,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18515335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowrote/pseuds/rowrote
Summary: The year is 2017, Kaiju attacks ravage the coasts. Kaidan Alenko thought his days of Jaeger fighting were long in the past, but when Anderson asks him to come back he can't say no.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written mostly because I wanted to, but I still hope you like it!

Kaidan remembered his childhood fondly. He wished he could return to the days of learning how to read with his mother, sitting on their dock and spending more time pointing at boats rather than reading. But those days were long behind him, and that house was abandoned a long time ago in an attempt to keep their little family safe.

Inland was always terribly crowded, and filled with tall men telling him to enlist to help fight the war against the beasts that took away his home. Their ramblings were usually ignored by his parents who pulled him along into the grocery store, or to hockey practice, or somewhere else he was forced to go. He was always told not to listen to them, all they wanted was another someone to ship off and never return. His father was a military man, but that was a time in which they were fighting something they knew. He had told Kaidan that hundreds of times, that it was different to fight an enemy from another world completely. 

Kaidan always thought that would make the killing easier. If it was something so non-human, he would be able to take it down much easier. But, he never told his parents that, especially when he enlisted. 

He remembers his mother started crying when he told them he was going to join a Jaeger fighting program called Alliance. His father was furious that he would throw his life away like that. Neighbors and friends were always talking about the sons and daughters they sent away and never saw again, and he knew he would more than likely become another story told by a grieving mother on sundays at church. But he missed the days of his youth too much to let other children grow up never seeing the beauty of the English Bay, just so he could live a long life. 

He embraced his family for what may have been the last time when he was eighteen. It was two months after his birthday when he climbed into a plane despite his father telling him that if he left now he would never be able to come back home. Truth be told, he hadn't really been home since he was ten and if he didn't leave now, he would never have a chance to go back. He wished they knew that he was doing this for them and not because all the useless propaganda had gotten in his head. 

On the plane he met another recruit, Ashley Williams. She had applied because she wanted to "see those bastards die for all the pain they've caused", at least that's what she claimed. Kaidan could see right through her and he knew it was something more than that. He didn't dare pry, but they continued to talk on their flight to Alliance and by the time they got off, Ashley had declared herself his new best friend. He didn't argue.

It was Ashley that Kaidan found next to him in the Jaeger. Eden Prime was absolutely amazing, and one of the most powerful Jaegers to be built. The two of them had the perfect balance to fight in Eden Prime. They trusted each other to the ends of the Earth and never tried to hide anything. Ashley knew Kaidan was there to fight to go back home, and Kaidan knew Ashley was there because her family came from a long line of soldiers and she wasn't sure she really had another choice. Kaidan had told her many times that she should try to find her passion, after all this war wouldn't last forever, and once it was done she wouldn't have to fight anymore.

Ashley never did see the other side of the war. 

It was a category 6 Kaiju. The beast rose from the sea so fast, they hardly had time to wake up as they locked themselves into their suits, ready to take on this monster as they normally would. They didn't know going in that this would be their last drift, that he would have to feel someone dying inside his head. In fact, they made jokes as they were dropped down before the beast given the name Virmire. To this day the name makes him sick every time he hears it, and for hours afterwards all he can think about is the feeling of Ashley slipping away. 

He was able to lead the Jaeger to land on his own. It was a struggle no doubt, but he managed to get himself somewhere he wouldn't drown going down. He doesn't remember being picked up, or going to the hospital, or the questions he was asked about what happened. His next memory was of her funeral. Of a sea of relatives shrouded in black without a body to mourn over.

He was a ghost of composed of "I'm sorry" and salty tears he didn't feel he had a right to cry. He was a stranger among them, and a stranger who took a daughter, a sister, a friend atop that. He felt out of place mourning with them and by the end of the day he wasn't sure it helped to be there at all. Seeing a mother who looked so much like her, and a father who had her same strong look in his eyes, and a brother who seemed so mad she was gone just piled guilt on his conscious. 

He didn't go home after that. His father had told him he couldn't when he left, and he wasn't going to try to go home only to be met with his family pushing him away. It would be easier to not go back than to face that. So instead he found work elsewhere, still helping with the cause but not daring to step back in another Jaeger. Sea walls needed building from people who wanted to save the world but didn't want to fight, and he wasn't about to give up. Ashley would have come back to haunt him for it. 

He built walls for years after that, always taking jobs nobody else wanted but were necessary to getting the job done. He figured that if he hadn't died in a Jaeger he wouldn't die on a wall. Maybe in the end he could see the other side of this war and go home showing his family he had won, but that was just a dream he told himself to keep going when things got hard. 

He promised he would never get into another Jaeger, but when David Anderson showed up asking him to come back... it was hard to refuse.


	2. Jane Shepard

Jane Shepard grew up on and off a fishing boat with her parents. Most of her early life was spent off the coast or at docks talking to fishermen rather than kids her age. She had learned swears before she had learned how to ride a bike, both from two fishermen at the same dock three years apart from each other. 

Her mother was a military woman. She had joined right out of highschool, and traveled the world for a while. Eventually she met a man while stationed at a base in the states. It was nothing wildly romantic, just going to see him at his job as a grocery store clerk as often as she could and going on dates after he finally got the nerve to ask her on a date. Eventually they got married, bought a boat, had a mildly unplanned child, and lived their life going from port to port selling fish. It wasn't the most lucrative business, but they were happy and they were a family. 

When the first Kaiju appeared terror spread across coasts and hundreds of people moved inland. The Shepards contemplated moving as well, but their entire life was on that boat. They weren't sure what these things were, or if that was the only one, so they decided to wait it out. The moment things really started to show they wouldn't get better, they had agreed to move inland without another conversation of the matter. 

Jane remembers her parents talking about that. She could hear them from her bed, arguing about what would be best for their family. Her father argued that it was safer to leave, her mother argued that they had nothing inland. She was glad they opted with her mother's route, after all she didn't know what beast they were talking about and all she knew was the boat and the docks. 

Then the monster came. 

They called the beast Mindor. It was the largest thing she had ever laid eyes on. Even in the distance she knew it would tower hundreds of feet over the boat. She didn't know what it was, or why the sky was suddenly filled with moving lights, or why equally tall things dropped from the sky and started hurting it. She ran down to her parents and shook them awake, telling them something was happening out in the ocean. She wasn't sure what it was, but she wanted them to see. Their panic was unexpected.

She remembers the boat capsizing, and how terrifying it was to be stuck so deep under water with no idea which way is up. She remembers one of the giants who fought the beast reaching down and picking her up. She remembers a man holding her back as they left, as she screamed at them to wait for her parents. She didn't want to leave them there in the sea, all alone, not knowing which way was up. 

Her family gathered in black around pictures of her parents. They told stories about how they were wonderful people, and about how they would be missed, about how it was a tragedy that they had died. Jane didn't understand that last part, if they were dead they were supposed to have a body, that's one thing she knew. The people in the giants that towered over her that night left her parents in the sea, they weren't dead. Just waiting for her to return. 

She tried many times to return. She packed her bags over and over again and tried to run away from the Andersons and back to the boat where they had left her parents. She tried that until she was twelve and it finally set in that her parents were dead. She had stopped talking after the funeral, and it took until she stopped trying to run away to speak again. The Andersons never tried to push her to talk, and did their best not to embarrass her when she finally did. But they couldn't hide their excitement in the conversation that followed. They asked her all sorts of things about crushes, and school, and her favorite books and colors. They tried their best to catch up with everything because they weren't sure it was going to last. 

Jane grew up around Alliance after Mindor. She followed David around, peaking around him at tall pilots and engineers, all of whom tried their best to talk to her even when she wouldn't speak. They all rejoiced the day she said hello back. She learned the inner workings of Alliance from them, and knew she would one day be piloting a Jaeger to fight the very beasts that killed her parents. 

She met James Vega in the sparring room hours after everyone had gone to bed. She was barely eighteen, he was a new recruit. The two of them had the same idea of practicing a few fighting techniques to get their heads somewhere in which they could sleep. But after entering and finding someone else practicing, Shepard figured that it would be easier to attempt sparing with him. It was a long fight that she almost lost, after which they both went to bed exhausted.

Anderson knew the second he saw them talking they were drift partners. They sat together at lunch the day after they had fought, and soon found themselves running off for a rematch. Anderson followed them soon after. He saw the way they fought, the way they talked, it was the same way he had seen hundreds of other drift partners interact. He let them figure out on their own they were drift compatible, but he did his best to push them in the right direction. 

James knew of Ashley Williams, but when she died it didn't hurt him until he saw the way it hurt Shepard. They had become good friends when Ashley joined Alliance. Shepard was sixteen at the time and was glad to have a pilot closer to her age. She never got to know Ashley's drift partner too well, but she could only imagine the kind of pain he was going through. She made James promise he would never leave her, though they both knew it was unlikely they would have any say over the matter. 

Eden Prime was rebuilt and tucked away after Ashley died and Kaidan left. Nobody wanted to pilot a Jaeger that belonged to someone else, and Anderson had plans on bringing Kaidan back. Though he wanted nothing to do with piloting at the time, he wouldn't be happy coming back to his Jaeger in someone else's hands.


	3. Chapter 3: Landing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan is finally confronted by Anderson after years of working on building coastal walls. He's expected this to happen eventually, but is he ready to go back?

Anderson took a deep breath as the helicopter landed outside of the sea wall. He saw a group of workers gathering outside at the sound. It was odd for a director of his level to show up at a project like this, but he needed pilots and Kaidan was a damn good one. He knew getting him back was a stretch, but he had to try. 

"Anderson," Zaeed Massani pushed through the crowd towards Anderson.

"Massani," Anderson nodded towards him and stuck out his and to shake. 

"Good to see you again. What can I do for you?" Zaeed shook Anderson's hand.

"I heard Kaidan Alenko is here. I need to talk to him."

Kaidan was standing in the back of the crowd. He knew that this day would come for a while and didn't want to be close enough to be picked out of the crowd when Anderson asked for him. It took a little bit for the information that Anderson was looking for him to reach the back of the crowd, but suddenly everyone's eyes were on him. Whispers filled the air about why he was wanted. Someone dared to speculate it was his fault his drift partner had died which was quickly hushed, as some knew he could hear their proposition. 

The crowd started to shift as Zaeed and Anderson made their way to the back of the crowd towards Kaidan. He stiffened up as the pair grew closer, knowing exactly what was to come. Anderson would ask him to come back. Zaeed would threaten him if he didn't leave right this moment. He would be forced to drift again... and that was the part he wasn't looking forward to. 

Anderson looked older than when Kaidan last saw him. More grey hairs, heavier bags under his eyes. Nonetheless, he still held himself in a way that controlled any room he was in. Including when the room was just a group of men standing around on their lunch break to build a sea wall. The people split to make way for Anderson and Zaeed as they made their way to the back where Zaeed was sure Kaidan was standing. A few people muttered "sorry sir" or "thank you sir" as Anderson passed by, seeming out of place in the sea of workers around him.

"Alenko," Anderson spoke once he saw him.

"Anderson..." Kaidan looked up and made eye contact with him as he stepped closer. "I know what you're going to ask."

"Do you now?"

"You want me to come back. To be a pilot again, don't you?"

Anderson hesitated. Kaidan could read the situation better than a book. 

"We need you Alenko. This war is getting worse and you know it. You've seen the increased Kaiju attacks... you've picked up after them and rebuilt... and you were one of the best pilots we had. I can't ask you to get back in a Jaeger right away. But I can ask you to come back and at least try," Anderson said.

"I can't let anyone in my head after Ash..." 

"You always said you were fighting to get back home... do you really think you're going to get there staying here?" 

Kaidan knew the answer. Deep down he knew it was only a matter of time before he was dragged back into fighting, put back in someone's head. Some days it felt like Ash hadn't really left his, like a little part of her stayed with him. And that part was probably the voice in his head screaming to go with Anderson. As much as he wanted to ignore it, he knew it was right. 

"And what if I get into a Jaeger and can't stand another person in my head?"

"I let you come back to this."

Kaidan weighed his choices for a moment. He looked up at the wall that was doing basically nothing at the moment. He looked at Anderson who offered him another chance to fight. 

"Alright. One condition."

"Let's hear it," Anderson smiled slightly at his achievement.

"You don't try to stick me with anyone. I pick who I want to try drifting with. No acceptions."

"I can do that." 

Anderson held his hand out to Kaidan who shook it. He promised himself he would never get back in a Jaeger after Ashley had died, but things had changed since then. Things were more dire now, people were dying left and right. All he wanted was to end this, so he would never have to think of another person dying in this disaster. Besides Ash wouldn't want him to dwell on her death, she would probably kick his ass if she was able to from the afterlife. 

~~~~~~~

"What did you say your name was?" 

"Steve Cortez, been flying Anderson around for years now. Joined Alliance not long after the first attack," Steve explained. 

"Nice to meet you Steve," Kaidan smiled a bit. 

"Nice to meet you too Kaidan." 

Anderson shifted in his seat and reached down into his bag. He pulled out a stack of files, neatly enclosed in manilla folders with the Alliance seal on the front. He passed them back to Kaidan who flipped the first open. 

"Those are a few trained pilots who I think you might be drift compatible with," Anderson explained. 

"You were really counting on me saying yes, weren't you?" Kaidan chuckled, looking at the first name. 

Garrus Vakarian. Military background, sniper training, grew up in a similar situation as him. Oddly tall, Kaidan noted. Most of what was in his file showed that they would probably be a good drift partner. He set it to the side and looked at the next file

Ian Legion. Engineering background, sniper training, lots of family. Kaidan set his to the side as well after reading through his full file. He didn't seem like a very good drift partner, but then again he wouldn't know much until he met the people. 

Miranda Lawson. Kaidan took one look at her picture and placed it to the side. She looked just enough like Ashley that he wanted nothing to do with her. As he was closing it he saw another bit of her file saying, sniper training. 

"Do all of these have sniper training?" Kaidan asked.

"For the most part. It compliments your expertise in hand to hand combat," Anderson explained.

"You don't think it'll get in the way? I'll know what I'm doing beating the thing to death and they're going to use weapons. We'll fight." 

"I filed them from most to least likely to be drift compatible. You can take a look at the back," Anderson offered.

Kaidan nodded and flipped the stack to the back. He opened the last file and looked through it. Jane Shepard. Her parents worked on a fishing boat, though her mother had been in the military for a bit. She didn't have sniper training, it didn't say anything about any hand to hand combat training, in fact there was hardly anything to hint at her military background. Yet her rank showed that she had quite a bit of experience. 

"Jane Shepard..." Kaidan started, flipping further into her file. "Why did you include her? It says she already has a drift partner." 

"She does, but I think she might be able to help you start drifting again."

"Do you think she would be willing to try?" Kaidan asked but was met with silence. "Didn't clear it with her did you?"

"I know Shepard, and if she won't drift with you she'll help... and I didn't expect you be interested in her," Anderson admit. 

"I wouldn't say I'm super interested... but she and that uh..." Kaidan flipped open the first file, "Vakarian guy are both interesting."

"Sounds good," Anderson nodded, looking down at his phone as a notification came in.

It was Shepard. He opened up his messages and read her line. 

Do I have permission to straight up murder Vega if he steals my jello cups again?

Anderson chuckled and typed a response back. 

Your call. You need him more than I do. 

There was a few minutes before she sent another text.

Fine...

Anderson smiled again and looked back out the windshield at the sky ahead of them. Steve glanced over at Anderson with a smirk on his face. 

"Shepard?" He asked.

"Threatened to kill Vega over her jello cups again," Anderson nodded.

Kaidan laughed a bit at the thought. The name Vega alone sounded vaguely like a burly and slightly terrifying man, and him being threatened by a short red haired woman made him laugh. He was sure with her ranking she would have no problem taking him down. Then again, that had been the name listed under her drift partner, so he must have been a fair match.

Anderson and Cortez busied themselves in a conversation. There were hours left to this flight, so Kaidan laid his head back and closed his eyes. A nap would pass the time nicely, they would be landing before he knew it. 

~~~~~~

When Kaidan opened his eyes again the aircraft shook slightly and the sound of the propellers slowed. They were here. 

The files had fallen on the floor and he quickly swept them up in his arms as best he could and grabbed his duffel bag. The door opened and Kaidan stepped out. Rain fell around him and Anderson as workers shuffled around making sure everything was properly prepared for the sudden rainstorm. A woman with an umbrella approached them quickly, she extended it over Anderson's and Kaidan's head. 

"It's Shepard," the woman said.


	4. Jello Cups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let’s just say James Vega doesn’t always think things through.

"Are you going to be back in time for dinner?" Shepard asked as she followed Anderson out to his helicopter.

"Yes, unless something happens with the whether then I'll be back. Tell Kahlee to save me a place."

"Alright. But if you're late I'm not going to cover for you," she warned. 

"You shouldn't need to."

Anderson took his stack of files from Shepard and climbed into the helicopter after Steve. Shepard gave them a quick wave and started back toward the base. James stood at the doorway waiting for her. 

"What do you want James?" she asked as she neared him. 

"Not much... Just wondering if you want to bet on jello cups this marvelous morning?" James proposed. 

"You mean you want to get your ass beat just to have to give me your jello at lunch today?" 

"Of course I want to beat your ass then get your jello at lunch today." 

Shepard laughed and shook her head. The two of them walked inside and toward the sparring room. Shepard pulled her hair back into a quick ponytail as they walked. Jello cups were a luxury of cafeteria food. Especially for those who didn't have a family member right off base to have dinner with. She loved taking that from James, it was funny to see him desperately try to come up with a reason to let him keep his jello.

"Alright Lola, ready to dance?" he asked, stretching his arms out, then pulling them up into fists.

"That's commander of Jaeger Lola to you," she smirked and readied herself. 

"Alright then, commander Lola. Show me your stuff."

Shepard hardly let him finish his sentence before throwing a punch. He jumped back, avoiding her punch. 

"So that's how we're doing it?"

Shepard nodded, throwing another punch. James this time reached out and blocked her punch. He lunged at her, landing a punch to her side. She let out a grunt and stumbled to the side before readying herself for another attack. 

More punches, and possibly kicks, were thrown in a fantastic formation, but it was almost if the narrator had no idea how to write a fight scene. 

"Damn you Lola..." James gasped from the ground. 

Shepard laughed, leaning up against the wall, attempting to catch her breath. He had given her quite the run for her money, and she had almost lost once or twice. Nonetheless, she came out having beat his ass and earning his jello cup for lunch. But it was now time for her favorite part, his excuses. 

"I let you win."

"Sure you did."

"I had you at one point."

"Why didn't you win?"

"...C'mon Lola... you have a real dinner tonight."

"And your jello cup for lunch." 

James shook his head, pulling himself to his feet. Shepard offered her hand to help him but he pushed it aside and stood up on his own. He could feel a bit of blood on his lip and licked it away with a sting. 

"We should go see Chakwas... get something for that," Shepard suggested. 

"I'll be fine."

"You'll complain for days, and when it gets infected you'll never stop complaining."

Shepard grabbed his arm and dragged him down the hall to Chakwas. He grumbled most of the way, claiming that it was fine, trying to use this to get his jello cup back. But Shepard just told him to toughen up and deal with his busted lip. After all, he was the one who suggested the bet in the first place. He should have been ready to lose his cup and get hurt in the process.

"Listen doc... I just don't want it to sting," James explained, holding Chakwas' arm away from his face. 

"I am aware. But you need to let me put this antiseptic on your lip," she explained.

"Want me to hold your hand?" Shepard offered, jokingly.

"A little bit..." 

Shepard reached out and took his hand despite the joke. Chakwas applied the antiseptic to his lip and he winced, tightening his grip on Shepherd's hand. A few select curses came from his mouth best translated to "son of a bitch" and "you mother fucker". Chakwas just nodded, knowing he would thank her later when it healed faster. As much as he hated her, he also loved her for everything she did. He had even given her a few mothers day gifts, supposedly as a gag, but all the sentiment was still there. The pair thanked Chakwas for her help and left her to her files.

Shepard still had her hand wrapped around James' as they walked down the halls. It wasn't unusual for drift partners to find themselves in a romantic relationship. Most people's drift connections ran deep enough that the two found solace in the partner that was hard to replicate anywhere else. However, James and Shepard never felt the need to extend their relationship to that level. They were friends, best friends actually, and drift partners. They never had a problem being physical with each other, or supporting each other as one would in a relationship, after all they had to trust each other if they were to drift together. Sometimes they thought it would be easier to be in a romantic relationship, and had talked about it once or twice, but each time they came to the consensus that things were nice they way they were now. Changing anything wouldn't go well.

On their way to the mess hall they passed another set of pilots, Joker and Edi. They were one of the pairs of drift partners that were in a relationship. At first Joker had hated the newest engineer, and claimed that the more she worked on the jaegers the worse they performed. Anderson ignored his attempts to get Edi fired, and eventually convinced them to try drifting. Joker almost had an aneurysm at the suggestion, but after Edi said that she understood he was afraid to drift with someone smarter than him, he immediately agreed to drift. From that came the most in tune piloting that anyone had ever seen.

"Hey love birds," Shepard called out to the pair.

"You're one to talk," Joker retorted, motioning to their clasped hands.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know I couldn't have physical contact with someone without falling in love."

"Fairpoint..." Joker laughed. "You two heading to lunch?"

"That was the plan."

"Let's join them Ed's." Joker held his hand out and Edi pulled him to his feet.

The four of them made their way to the mess hall together. They were a little early to lunch, and the chefs all shood them away, but they sat at their table as a few others trickled in.

"You know, Vega owes me his jello cup again," Shepard smirked.

"Only because you cheated, Lola."

"And how did I do that?" Shepard asked but was met with silence. "That's what I thought."

Edi and Joker laughed. James grumbled under his breath about how he deserved to keep it, but he kept his head down and didn't try to argue much. He was already formulating a plan to get both his and Shepard's jello. Shepard took note of his devious look and sent a text to Anderson under the table.

_Do I have permission to straight up murder Vega if he steals my jello cups again?_

Anderson responded back fairly quickly.

_Your call. You need him more than I do._

Shepard smiled and shook her head. She looked over at Vega who seemed all too happy for his own good. She knew he had a plan, but she was one step ahead of him.

_Fine..._

She knew she wouldn't hurt him... too badly that is.

By the time James enacted his plan on stealing her jello, lunch was almost done. Shepard had let it slip her mind that he was going to steal it. Her guard was down and she shoved her last spoonful of mashed potatoes in her mouth. When she looked back up both cups were gone, and so was James.

Her eyes flashed to the door of the mess hall and saw him running out as fast as he could. She took off after him, leaving a cackling Joker and Edi behind. He was faster than her, but she was determined not to let him get away with her jello again.

"Get back here!" she yelled, rounding a corner after him.

The next fifteen seconds happened in slow motion. An engineer was coming in from the rain. She ran directly into him, stumbling over herself. He was covered in water which dripped onto the floor. Her feet tried to catch under her, but the water caused a lack of friction and they flew out from under her.

She was on the floor, her head spinning and pain radiating from her ankle. 


	5. The Bedroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, Kaidan’s back. Some things are nice to have back in his life, but that doesn’t apply to everything.

"It's Shepard," Miranda said as she walked up to Anderson, extending her umbrella over him and his new companion.

"Shepard? What happened?" Anderson ordered.

Kaidan could sense the worry in his voice. His face was still rather stoic, he didn't want to show his worry but his voice betrayed him.

"From what I gathered she and Vega made some sort of stupid bet and she ended up getting hurt. Legion ran into her as he was coming inside, Chakwas says she's going to be off her feet for a while."

Anderson sighed, simultaneously in relief and frustration. She was mostly okay, but one of his best piloting teams was down for the count in an incredibly dire time. Kaidan could have replaced them... if he had a drift partner that is. Anderson's mind ran through ideas as to what he should do.

"Sir..." Kaidan interrupted his thoughts. "You should go check up on her before you try to make a decision. She may not be as bad as you think."

"You're right," Anderson nodded. "Miranda would you show him around while I do that?"

Anderson didn't wait for Miranda to respond but left the two. Kaidan took the umbrella from her and stepped closer so they both could fit under it. He shifted the files in his arms, struggling with is hands being so full. She took them from him.

"I'm Kaidan Alenko, and you are?" He asked, happy to have the files off his hands.

"Miranda Lawson. It's nice to finally meet you Mr. Alenko," she responded.

"Finally meet me?" He squinted slightly at her as they started toward the building.

"Yes sir. You're a little bit of a legend around here, especially with anybody who works closely with Anderson. Jane Shepard, James Vega, myself... we all have been hearing a lot about you in the past few weeks," Miranda explained. "I'm not sure what we would do if you hadn't agreed to come."

"I haven't decided if I'm going to drift yet."

"Even if you don't, you'll still be able to help us train pilots... and I don't think you would have come if you didn't want to drift again."

Kaidan sighed. She was right for the most part. He did want to drift again. He wanted to fight, and end this war, and make sure nobody else had to die the same way Ashley did... but on a more prominent level, he was scared to drift again. He knew he had to eventually, but actually facing the drift again would be a different story.

Kaidan and Miranda entered the building and he lowered the umbrella now that they were safe from the rain. Behind them someone shouted about doors closing and the doors started to rumble closed. Kaidan placed a hand on Miranda's back and forced her a few steps forward as he looked back at the door.

"If you don't mind, could we stop by Anderson's office to drop these off first?" Miranda asked.

"Of course," he nodded.

Miranda smiled and started down the halls. Kaidan followed quickly behind.

It was odd to be back in the building without Ashley. It seemed so vast, and he seemed so alone despite the fact he was walking alongside someone else. It was different walking with someone who knew exactly what he was thinking. He looked down at their feet, noticing they were out of step, this wouldn't have happened if he was with Ashley. His chest tightened and his eyes started to sting, but he pushed down that feeling and kept walking.

They passed other pairs of pilots and his mind thought of the times he knew the names of those who would fight beside him and Ashley. Everyone knew the names of the Jaegers, and of their pilots back then. He wondered how much things changed, and how much they stayed the same. Anderson's office was still in the same place however.

Miranda entered his office and placed the files in a filing cabinet, locking it behind her. Kaidan took a moment to look around the room. It was more cluttered  than the last time he was there, but on his desk still sat a picture of his partner, Kahlee, and of the red haired girl he had taken in many years back. It clicked with him in that moment that Jane Shepard, the woman from the files, was actually Anderson's daughter.

"So how much of this space do you actually remember?" Miranda asked and exited the room, closing the door behind them.

"Most of it... I could use a refresher on where the mess hall is though."

Miranda laughed a bit and started down towards the mess hall. She and Kaidan weaved in and out of the workers, chatting idly about the base. He inquired about some of the names he had seen in his file as they walked to the mess hall, then to the sparring room, then to his own room. It was bare, but he knew sooner or later he and his drift partner would fill it with trinkets and posters and little bits of themselves. Just like he and Ashley had.

He never really got to move out of his room. Just, packed as much as he could in one bag and left, never wanting to open up the door again and have to face so much of her left undone.

Kaidan took in a deep breath and threw his bag on one or the beds. He had basically been living out of that bag ever since he had left, for the first time in in a long time, he actually had a place to stay.

Kaidan looked at the wall near the door where pilots had made the habit of carving their names. He ran his fingers over the scratches, some were rather faded by now. He read down the names slowly.

_David Anderson & _ _Zaeed_ _Massini_

_Thane_ _Krios_ _ & Samara Justicar_

_Raleigh Becket & Yancey Becket_

_Kaidan Alenko & Ashley Williams_

Kaidan gulped at seeing his and Ashley's names on the wall, noticing he would be carving his name along side someone else's soon. He didn't want to do this, Ash was his partner in more ways than one, and thinking of someone taking her place, let alone in the same room as he once shared with her made him sick. He closed his eyes and sat on his bed, the tight feeling in his chest returning.

"I'll leave you to settle in..." Miranda shuffled out of the room.

In his solitude Kaidan let a few tears slip from his cheeks. He didn't expect this to be as hard as it was, especially not so many years after she had died. He expected to come back and be met with memories, but not with the same feelings he had felt after she had died. He knew it would be hard but this was far from what he was expecting.

Kaidan sat on his bed for a while, weighing what he should do. He could leave and never have to deal with this pain again, or he could stay and fight through it in hopes of something better. As much as he wanted to leave this behind and forget the different kinds of pain he had forgotten he could feel, he knew he had to stay. That didn't mean he had to face everything right away though. Instead he threw on a new set of clothes, curled up under his covers and slept until his alarm sounded again.


	6. Finally Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane hit her head and wakes up with a nasty bump and a bit of an injury, but that won’t stop her from talking to Kaidan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops I guess my posting schedule went out the window but hey good thing is there may be another chapter up this week!

Shepard recognized the two faces hovering over her but couldn't quite remember their names.

_Jay... Jane....James_

She blinked a few times to clear her vision fully. She wasn't sure why she was on the ground, or why there were people over her, or why someone was yelling for a Chakwas. Then it came back to her.

Why was she on the floor? She had run into the new mechanic, Ian Legion. Why was she running? She was chasing James. Why was she chasing him?

"You stole my jello," Shepard grumbled angrily and sat up.

She was still a bit dizzy but still was intent on killing Vega.

"Woah hey... Take it easy... Dios Lola, you scared me."

"Wouldn't have happened if you hadn't stolen my jello..."

"Tell you what... I'll make it up to you by letting you have my jello cups for a week," James offered.

"You two just can't stay out of trouble, can you?" Chakwas voice came from behind them.

"I try my best but James has a habit of destroying as much as he can," Shepard responded.

"Alright, let me take a look."

Chakwas knelt down next to Shepard. She shined a light in her eye, had her follow her finger, tell her what the date was. Shepard managed to do all of those things, but when asked to stand that was a different story. Her ankle was swollen and hard to walk on. Chakwas said she would need to look at it closer in her office and James didn't take more than a second to sweep her up into his arms. As much as Shepard argued she was fine, James didn't listen.

James laid her down on the bed and proped her leg up on an extra pillow. He sat down in a nearby chair, allowing Chakwas room to work. She did a little poking around at her ankle to see the sore areas and eventually grabbed a couple of ice packs to put on her newly wrapped ankle. Shepard grumbled the entire time at both the pain in her leg and knowing she would have to be off her feet for at least the rest of the day.

"You shouldn't worry too much, you just twisted your ankle a bit in the fall and that knot on your head should go down soon," Chakwas said and placed an ice pack on her head as well.

"Look what you did to me James," Shepard glared at him, pressing her hand to the icepack on her head.

"Hey,  _I_ didn't make you fall."

"But you were the one who made me go running in the first place."

James smiled nervously and shifted in his seat. He obviously hadn't meant for this to happen, and it made him a little sick thinking something he had done hurt her. He knew she wouldn't really hold it against him, because it wasn't  _really_ his fault. Nonetheless he still felt horrid about it.

"Is the ice making it any better?" James asked.

"Yeah, it wasn't too bad of a fall."

James reached over and squeezed her shoulder. Shepard took this as an apology. She placed her hand on his and gave it a quick squeeze as well. She leaned back against the head of the bed and glanced at the time. Anderson should be getting back soon.

"Oh shoot I need to meet Anderson at the landing pad. He's bringing Kaidan Alenko today and I'm supposed to help Anderson with some of that," Shepard said, attempting to get up and out of bed.

"Woah, hey. No you aren't. You're staying right there I'll tell Anderson you hurt your ankle but you'll be fine alright?" James pushed her back on the bed.

She nodded and settled back down with her leg raised on a pillow again. James turned to leave and find Anderson on the landing pad but was met with the door swinging open and Anderson marching in.

"What happened?" He ordered.

James fell into attention out of mild fear that Anderson was ready to behead him. Anderson however pushed past him and over to Shepard who began explaining. 

"It's not that big of a deal, I just slipped and ended up twisting my ankle a bit and hit my head. Nothing bad," Shepard assured him.

"Where's Chakwas?" he asked, and turned around to find her with a cup of pills for Shepard. "When is she going to be cleared to get back in a Jaeger?" 

"Easy now Anderson, she needs to take it easy for the next couple of days but she's going to be fine," Chakwas assured him. 

"Okay..." Anderson took a deep breath, then swung around to face James. "You."

"Sir, I obviously didn't mean for this to happen. I was just messing around and I was going to give her the jello back and-" 

"This was the all because of a jello cup?" Anderson asked in a cold tone. 

"Uh... Well..."

"The two of you are adults and one of my best piloting teams and you nearly got put out for  _weeks_ because you stole her  _jello cups_?"

"I was the one who proposed we make a bet over jello cups sir... and I shouldn't have, I know we're eating dinner with Kahlee tonight," Shepard spoke from behind him.

Anderson took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"It's alright just... Don't let it happen again," Anderson sighed, leaned over to kiss the top of Shepard's head, and left.

"Thanks for covering for me..." James mumbles, taking his seat next to Shepard again.

"Not a problem," she smirked, "you'll just owe me two weeks of jello cups now."

James shook his head and smiled a bit.

"Alright, fine. Two weeks of jello cups. No trying to get them back."

Chakwas handed Shepard a cup of painkillers and a small cup of water. She took the cups and swallowed her pills, as soon as they kicked in she would head to her and James' room to rest in a more comfortable place. Of course, she would have to get back up, but that was long enough that she would have time to rest. 

~~~~~~

"So he moved into the empty room across the hall?" James asked, handing Shepard a spoon to eat her jello cups with.

"Yeah, used to be his and Ash's room... I wonder how he's taking it..." She trailed off, eyes fixated on their closed door. 

"Hey... I'm sure he's doing just fine," James assured her and sat at his desk. 

"I just... I know it's hard for me sometimes to live across the hall but for him... I dunno, I don't think I'd be able to handle it." 

"Do you want to go ask?"

"No, he doesn't even know who I am. It would be a little weird to ask if he was doing okay."

"Maybe he would appreciate it..." James offered. 

"I don't even think he's moved into his room yet."

"I think it would mean a lot to him to have someone here who knew Ashley."

Shepard thought about it for a moment. She kept her eyes on the heavy door and didn't make another comment. James knew she was contemplating going over and talking to him, thus he left her to think. He opened up a drawer of his desk and pulled out a knitting project, something he only trusted Shepard to see. He had been knitting his niece little hats and socks ever since she was born about six years ago to his sister and her husband. Shepard had only made fun of him when he knew she didn't mean any harm from it, but she also made sure to send a goodie along with his knitting. 

James stretched out on his bed and continued on with his project. The pair sat in silence for a while until Shepard spoke again. 

"I'll talk to him tomorrow," She announced. 

"That's good."

"I miss her," she added.

"I know..." James looked over to her, but her eyes stayed fixated on the door. 

James hated himself in the moment. He had hurt her physically and also brought up something that hurt her mentally as well. He knew it wasn't as though he had punched her in the face and killed Ashley himself, but he could see she wasn't her usual self and he couldn't help but feel as though he had caused it. 

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"I miss her," she responded, softer this time. 

James sighed and went back to knitting, knowing there wasn't much more of a response that he would get from her. He wondered if Kaidan being here would make things better or worse for Shepard. Either way he knew he had to be there for her through all of this, and it started with never taking her jello again. 

"I'm going to talk to him."

"I thought you were going to just wait until tomorrow to talk to him," James said as Shepard hoisted herself from her bed and opened the door. 

At this point hours had passed of him knitting and her staring at the door. Finally she had broken their silence by making an impromptu decision to go across the hall and talk to Kaidan. 

"I was," she nodded, already rapping her fist on the door. 

It opened to a slightly groggy man standing in the doorway. His hair was messy and he didn't seem prepared for anyone to be bangining on his door. 

"Can I help you?" 


	7. Eden Prime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan gets a look at his old Jaeger for the first time in years and gets a little insight on Shepard.

"I'm going to talk to him."

"I thought you were going to just wait until tomorrow to talk to him," James said as Shepard hoisted herself from her bed and opened the door.

At this point hours had passed of him knitting and her staring at the door. Finally she had broken their silence by making an impromptu decision to go across the hall and talk to Kaidan.

"I was," she nodded, already rapping her fist on the door.

It opened to a slightly groggy man standing in the doorway. His hair was messy and he didn't seem prepared for anyone to be bangining on his door.

"Can I help you?"

It was that moment it dawned on her she hadn't thought of what she was going to say to him, and that he was more attractive than she had assumed he would have been.

"I'm Jane Shepard, this is James Vega. We're in the room across the hall and wanted to check in with you."

"Yeah, Miranda mentioned you two. Anderson send you over?"

"Nope, just thought we would check in. See if you need anything."

"I think I'm good. Thanks," Kaidan started to close the door.

"Are you sure?"

Kaidan froze midway to closing the door. He knew what she was talking about at this point and figured Anderson had probably sent the pair over to make sure he wasn't having a break down despite their insistence that he hadn't.

"Of course."

He started to close the door again, but was stopped now by James.

"You know she's leaving me for dinner with Anderson, you want to eat with me in a couple hours?" He asked.

Kaidan looked him, knowing they probably wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Alright," he agreed.

The two of them smiled and finally let him close his door. Kaidan walked back to his bed and laid back down. He still had a few hours to sleep, as that was all he wanted to do. He despised being back in this room, having to deal with all of the guilt again, but it was for the right cause. At least that was what he kept telling himself every time he almost got up and walked out.

_It's the right decision._

He took a deep breath and opened his eyes again, maybe getting out of the room would help him. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, as if there had been any sort of sleep that actually stayed there. As he stood, he could hear voices outside and looked through the peephole at the people outside.

Shepard and James were still there, although another pair had joined them. One was an older man who held a cigarette in his hand, the other a young man with slicked black hair. Shepard and James both looked as though they were ready to kill the others who wore smirks on their faces. He watched a moment longer and strained to hear their voices.

"Your room isn't in this hall what in the world could you even be doing in this sector?" Shepard asked.

"Just going for a walk," the older one responded.

"Oh... that totally makes sense," Shepard rolled her eyes. "What do you want?

"Don't you trust us?"

"Hell no," she laughed.

"If you don't think that's true then go ahead go ahead and bring it up with Anderson. I'm sure he'd love to take time off from whatever he's doing to address the fact I was taking a walk down your sector and you decided to harass me."

She clenched her jaw, but didn't say anything else. The two continued walking, but the younger one purposely bumped his shoulder against Shepard's. She didn't hesitate to turn around and swing her fist directly into his jaw. Kaidan saw this as a good moment to intervene. He opened his door and quickly descended down the three small steps separating his room from the hall. James now had his arms wrapped around Shepard and the older man held up his younger friend.

"What's going on here?" Kaidan asked, looking between the pair.

"Oh, I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Shepard has an awful habit of being violent with people she doesn't like," the older man blatantly lied.

"Well let's just move on then. You go get him ice, and I'll report this to Anderson," Kaidan helped the two fully to their feet and ushered them off in the direction of Chakwas.

"What's your name young man?"

"Kaidan Alenko."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Jack Harper, this is Kai Leng. We're the Cerberus pilots."

"Oh really? I'd love to talk to you more, but I need to talk to Anderson," he again pushed them on their way and turned back to James and Shepard. "Are you two alright?"

Shepard yanked herself away from James. Though to most her furrowed brow would only suggest that she was upset about the matter, but James could see her eyes were seething with rage.

"We're fine," Shepard responded, her eyes glued to the Cerberus pilots until they were out of sight.

"They don't seem like the helpful type," Kaidan said and glanced behind him.

"They joined a little while after Ash died and tried to convince Anderson to let them use Eden Prime. They think they're so much better than everyone else..." Shepard explained.

Kaidan hadn't heard anyone else ever call her Ash. To everyone else it was always either Ashley or Williams.

"You knew her?" he asked.

"Ash? Yeah... We were friends," she explained. The rage started to melt from her eyes.

"I only knew you as Anderson's kid, I didn't know you knew her."

Shepard shrugged. It stung a little to think Ashley hadn't talked about her to her drift partner, but she pushed it down quickly. She wasn't going to be upset at someone who wasn't there to defend herself.

"Yeah. You guys showed up when I was sixteen and I started hanging out with her because she was a little closer to my age. I wanted to be a pilot and I think Anderson kind of forced her to pay attention to me."

Kaidan nodded and gulped.

"You... You said they wanted to take Eden Prime?" Kaidan shifted the conversation back to Harper and Leng.

"Oh... Um... Yes," Shepard nodded, noticing Anderson probably hadn't told him that Eden Prime had been rebuild.

"Do you know where she's at?"

"You want to see her?"

Kaidan nodded and Shepard motioned for him to follow. James stepped off and fell into step with her. Kaidan followed behind, noticing the way they walked together. He smiled slightly.

They walked down hallways and found themselves in the main hangar where most of the Jaegers were kept. He looked at the giants towering above them, some he remembered the names of, Normandy, Lola, and Mako being the most well known. He smiled and followed Shepard towards the back. He could see her tucked away in the corner gathering dust, looking almost exactly the same way he had remembered. There were, of course, a few differences; she looked less banged up, and her paint had been touched up. It was still his Jaeger through.

They stopped in front of it and Kaidan looked up, taking the entirety of her in. It had been so long since he had last seen Eden Prime. He missed the days of being able to fight, of not having pains shoot up his right side if he worked himself too hard, of when things weren't falling apart. But now, standing below a Jaeger,  _his_  Jaeger, changed things. He was ready to climb back into one and take on whatever the Kaiju even thought of throwing his way. He wasn't scared anymore, in fact he was excited to fight again. He would have to completely relearn how to drift, but for the first time since Ashley died he felt ready.

"It's going to be amazing seeing her back in action," Shepard said.

"No kidding..." James nodded.

"It's going to be amazing getting to fight with her again," Kaidan said.

Shepard looked over at him and smiled. His eyes were still glued on Eden Prime, but she could see a change in the way he looked at it. Before he seemed like being there physically hurt him, and now he stood ready to take on drifting again. She was glad such a good pilot was back, but more importantly she was glad she would get to fight alongside him.

~~~~~

James and Kaidan meandered down to the mess hall together. Shepard had left them and went off with Anderson for dinner not more than an hour ago. James had complained at first, then insisted she bring back desert. Even if she was a mediocre cook, Kahlee was allowed to use more spices than the mess hall which made it infinitely better.

"So you two are drift partners?" Kaidan asked, sitting down at the table with James.

"Yeah, she and I have been drifting almost since day one," James nodded, shoving a spoonful of corn in his mouth.

"How'd you swing that?"

"Huh?"

"How did you convince Anderson to let you drift with Shepard? Last I remember he was more than protective of her."

"Yeah, Joker once took her to dinner and he got a two hour lecture," James laughed. "I think he saw us being drift compatible before we did. He also knows I'm almost more protective than him."

"He's good at that, he suggested Ashley and I drift and he was right about it," Kaidan smiled fondly.

James nodded.

"Kaidan Alenko, long time no see," Joker said as he and Edi sat down with their trays next to them.

"Nice to see you again."

"You two know each other?" Edi asked.

"Yep, I enlisted about a year and a half after Kaidan did. We did most of our pilot training together, but that was back before you joined."

"Nice to meet you," Edi smiled.

"You as well...?" Kaidan trailed off waiting for her name.

"Edi Moreau," she offered him her hand to shake.

"Moreau?" Kaidan asked, looking at Joker who shifted his hands out of sight to hide the ring on his hand. "I thought you 'weren't the dating type'?"

"Yeah well you fall in love and things change," Joker turned a little red. "Besides last I remember you and Ashley-" he stopped, not sure if he should mention her.

"Yeah but I didn't go and marry the girl," Kaidan laughed.

James laughed alongside him, finishing his dinner. He set his jello cup aside and picked up his now empty tray.

"Any of you guys eat that and I'll personally make sure you wake up to wet socks for a week," James threatened.

"Fair enough," Joker put his hands up.

James quickly headed off to put his tray away. Joker and Edi started talking about their Jaeger. Kaidan quietly ate the rest of his meal.

"Why aren't you eating that?" Kaidan asked after James had sat back down with the group.

"I promised Lola she could have mine for two weeks."

"Lola?" Kaidan asked.

"Shepard. Nobody really calls her by her first name and she looks more like a Lola than a uhh..." James trailed off, thinking for a moment.

"Jane," Edi interjected.

"Yeah! A  _Jane,_  I mean come on who actually names their kid that?"

"Well," Kaidan thought about it for a second, "you're kind of right. She does look a little like a Lola."

"Finally, someone agrees with me," James smiled.

After eating Kaidan cleared his tray and started back towards his room with James. This had been a fairly uneventful day, but he knew that Anderson would want to start trying to find him a drift partner tomorrow. He and James sat on the steps outside of their rooms once they arrived.

"So what do you know about Garrus Vakarian?" Kaidan asked.

"Freakishly tall, strong, and good with a gun," James responded.

"Anderson gave me a bunch of files on people he thinks I could drift with. He was one of the top ones on there," Kaidan paused. "Shepard was too."

"Well that isn't happening."

"Why not?"

"Shepard she... she's been through a lot and if you aren't used to it that's one hellish drift," James explained. "If I wasn't there for parts of the stuff she's been through I don't think I'd be able to manage it... and not to mention I'm already her drift partner."

Kaidan nodded. James was right, but he wondered why Anderson would have put her file in the mix. It didn't sound like she would be able to drift with anyone but James, and that if he were to drift with her it would be a huge step backwards for him. He made a mental note to ask Anderson about it. He wanted to know why he would think Kaidan could handle a drifting with someone when even their drift partner thought it was hell.

"Well, what about Ian Legion?" Kaidan inquired.

"Engineer, also freakishly good with guns. He's really quiet though and is still trying to learn English. He's got a habit of referring to himself as a "we" which is kind of weird sometimes, but his heart is in the right place," James said.

"Miranda Lawson?"

"You'd have to be pretty off the walls to want to drift with her. She's nice enough, but... Really terrifying."

"You know, some people could say that about you," Kaidan pointed out.

James nodded. He was incredibly muscular, rather tall, and had tattoos reaching down to his elbows. Not only that, but he had scars across his face that would intimidate anyone in their right mind. Shepard had always been able to see that he was soft under the hard exterior, and Kaidan was starting to realize that he wasn't nearly as intimidating as he first thought.

Kaidan leaned back against his door, already feeling tired again. He yawned and looked down the hall as Edi and Joker entered their room. Everything seemed so normal here, as though they hadn't been teetering on loosing everything to Kaiju for years now. He knew soon enough there would be another attack, it had already been two weeks since the last one. And next time, he might even be fighting it.

"I'm going to go ahead and head in," Kaidan said, pushing himself to his feet.

"Ah, come on Shepard isn't back yet. Can't you wait till then?" James asked.

"Do you think she'll be much longer?"

"Nah, it's 7:30, she and Anderson don't stay late very often."

Kaidan begrudgingly sat back on the steps and continued to talk to James. Their conversation drifted from topic to topic until eventually Shepard came down the hall. She smiled at Kaidan and greeted James with a couple of cookies. The pair bid Kaidan goodnight and walked into their room, it wasn't until they closed the door that he noticed he no longer wanted to be alone.

Nonetheless he opened his door to the still all too empty room and went to bed. He laid awake for hours feeling the absence, until finally he drifted off.


	8. The First Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first Kaiju surfaces. Bad decisions are made.

_"C'mon, Kaidan, I just don't like sharing it with people," Ashley said, reaching after her notebook in his hands._

_"I know you're writing one about me though! I want to see it!" He protested._

_"I... Fine..." she gave in._

_"Alright," Kaidan cleared his throat._

_"Please don't read it out loud."_

_"Sunbeams shine,_   
_From amber eyes._   
_They glisten and search for secrets,_   
_Unable to stay hidden,_   
_Sorted in the mess of my head._   
_They reach forward to my mistakes,_   
_Never shying,_   
_Though every other mind has run."_

_"I know what you're thinking, but it's a work in progress."_

_"Hey," Kaidan reached out and placed his hand on Ashley's, "I liked it."_

_"You did?"_ _she smiled._

_"Absolutely, I can't even write a good sentence let alone a whole poem," he laughed._

_"I'm sure you can write a poem, that one is trash and it's taken me two and a half hours so far."_

_"You want me to write a poem?"_

_Ashley nodded, another smile breaking across her face. She moved closer to Kaidan who sighed and thought hard about the poem. He came up with an idea and looked back at her_ _with a smirk on his face._

_"Alright, are you ready?"_

_"Hit me."_

_"The stars in the sky twinkle_   
_Oh her womanly face_   
_And she looks nice_   
_Because the moon makes her..._   
_Look nice."_

_"You have to at least try!" Ashley laughed and hit_ _Kaidan's_ _shoulder._

_"I_ _**was** _ _trying," he responded._

_Their laughter died off, leaving them in silence staring at each other under the stars. Kaidan laid back on their blanket and put his hands under his head. They both could tell what the other was thinking but neither wanted to make an actual comment about it._ _Actually addressing it would make it all too real._

_"Oh, hey, Ash look! A shooting star," Kaidan said, pointing up at the sky._

_"Well make a wish then dummy... you have to close your eyes."_

_Kaidan glanced at Ashley and smiled, closing his eyes and thinking hard about his wish. When he opened them back up, her eyes were glued to the sky and the star was nowhere in sight. He looked back up, hoping to spot another one._

_"The next kaiju is our first fight..." Ashley said softly after a bit of silence._

_"Yeah..." Kaidan responded almost inaudibly._

_"You think it'll go okay?"_

_"Absolutely."_

_"Are you lying?"_

_"A little bit."_

_It was real now. Ashley had made their fears into something they had to talk about. They had come up to this hill to have a moment of peace before the day they would have to worry about making it to the next one. This moment would be the force that would push them to keep fighting._

_"Anything you want to do before our first fight?"_

_"Not very smooth Kaidan," Ashley laughed, leaning over and pressing a kiss to Kaidan's lips._

_"It worked, didn't it?" the two of them laughed again. "After all this is done. I'm going to bring you home to meet my mom. She'll love you."_

_"You're a little too squishy for my parents taste," Ashley joked._

_Kaidan laughed again. This time when be opened his eyes sparks we're flying around them and he saw the Jaeger between them crack. In slow motion she fell into the water, no matter how far he reached he couldn't quite catch her._

_~~~~~_

Kaidan's eyes snapped open to blaring alarms. His heart was bursting out of his chest and his head was still partly in the dream he had woken from.

"Ash!" Kaidan called, looking over to her bed and finding it empty.

He gulped, returning to reality. The alarms still blared, he got out of his bed and opened his door to see James and Shepard exiting their room. Another Kaiju had surfaced, meaning all pilots needed to report to their Jaegers immediately. He followed the pair down to the hangar, looking for Anderson to receive instructions.

"Alenko!" Anderson called, motioning him to follow into the command room.

Inside, computer screens flashed to life. One had radar of the Kaiju, others had vital signs of the pilots as they loaded into their Jaegers. Kaidan had never been in the command room during a Kaiju attack before. He had always spent it in the cockpit of a Jaeger with Ashley, this was quite a different atmosphere. People were rushing in and finding their computers where they would spend the next few hours. He stepped out of the way, tucked in the back corner.

"Lola's ready to deploy," Shepard's voice came over the speakers.

"Normandy is ready to deploy," Joker said.

"Cerberus, ready to deploy," Harper said.

"Alright. Cortez, Get them out there. We have a category two and a category four that just surfaced," Anderson ordered.

Kaidan could hear the whir of engines as the three Jaegers lifted out of the hangar. He saw a small spike in their heartbeats, something he hadn't noticed being in the Jaeger himself. It was a completely different atmosphere here, everyone was quiet and on the edge of their seats waiting to help those fighting in any way they could. He noticed that at the moment, all he could do was watch as they fought. It made him uneasy, but Anderson had called him into the room and he couldn't leave quite yet.

"Dropping Lola in 3...2...1. Normandy in 3...2...1. Cerberus in 3...2...1," Steve's voice came over the speakers.

The Jaeger's dots appeared on the radar in a different color from the Kaiju. Immediately the category four started moving towards Normandy.

"Hey the cat-4 is coming up on your left Normandy," Miranda said, pausing and looking at the radar again. "The category 2 is following up behind."

"We'll take out the cat-2. Cerberus you help Normandy," Shepard's dot started to move.

"Cerberus you've passed Normandy," Miranda informed them but was met with no response. "Cerberus are you reading? You've passed Normandy. Lola's taking the category two."

Again she was met with no response as the dots of Normandy and the Kaiju met. Kaidan sucked in a sharp breath, knowing even the sharpest pilot could easily find themselves stuck between a rock and a hard place with a category four. Someone needed to turn around and help Normandy. He curled his hand into a fist, watching the three Jaegers, all ignoring the needs of the others.

"Cerberus! Go help Normandy!" James' voice boomed.

Kaidan was already making his way to the front of the command room by the time Harper spoke.

"I'm already here! You go back and help Normandy!"

"I don't really care who helps us but we need someone pretty soon because- holy sh-" a slight bit of static came across his line.

"Well then actually swing!" Edi yelled once their radio came back on.

"All of you, shut up!" Kaidan yelled into the radio receiver he had yanked from Miranda's hand.

Lola's dot was already moving back towards Normandy again.

"Stop acting like bickering children. Cerberus, respond to your commands! Lola, you were closer, you should have stepped in to help Normandy! And Normandy stop yelling at your crew mates! Get your acts together and help each other!" he yelled and shoved the receiver back to Miranda.

All eyes were on him and he slunk back into the corner. Shepard's heat rate was racing faster than the rest of the pilots. Nonetheless, his yelling seemed to work. There weren't anymore major mishaps and the pilots seemed to talk to each other more than relying on the command center to help them work. Anderson had a small smirk on his face after Kaidan snapped at the pilots. He knew they were acting more like old pilots had, and that his idea of bringing Kaidan back was exactly what this slowly deteriorating crew needed.

The Jaegers hadn't taken on much damage when they landed back in the hangar. The paint was scratched, and armor plating dented, a large crack spread over Normandy's glass, and Cerberus' arm seemed to be nearly disjointed. But for the most part they were fine. The pilots however were another story, Harper being the most physically injured and Shepard radiating anger.

"I think you can tell I don't care Harper," Shepard snapped and started away from him.

"You got me hurt out there Shepard because you wanted to show off."

"Okay, first of all, it wasn't my fault. Secondly, it's James  _and_  I in Lola. We actually have a relationship, he doesn't follow me blindly like Leng does."

"You're saying you don't call the shots?" Harper laughed.

"Yes. Most of the time when someone says it takes two brains to pilot a Jaeger, they expect both of them to be able to think."

"I swear..."

"You swear what? What are you going to do to me? Run crying to Anderson to tell him  _you_  couldn't take care of yourself?"

Harper balled his hand up in a fist and looked over at Leng. He nodded and Leng swung at Shepard, hitting her across the face. At that point Kaidan and Anderson had made their way across the hangar to them and stepped between the pairs.

"Enough!" Anderson yelled, his stance protecting Shepard as much as he was holding her back. "Alenko was right, all of you are acting like children. There are lives on the line here and I shouldn't have to babysit you over the radio every time you go out. Get cleaned up and get rested and  _don't_  talk to each other."

Anderson stood his ground until the four of them dispersed. Shepard made sure to land a harsh glare on Kaidan before leaving. Anderson shook his head and sighed deeply, Kaidan was starting to understand why Anderson had asked him to come back even if it weren't to drift. Alliance was falling, and if things weren't changed soon the entire world would soon follow.

"I'm going to go follow up with Harper and Leng. Would you mind following up with Shepard, Vega, and the Moreaus?" Anderson asked.

"Of course sir," Kaidan nodded and split with Anderson.

He knew be wasn't exactly their superior officer, but his words still held weight. Otherwise, the pilots wouldn't have listened to him tonight. He wasn't exactly sure what following up with the crews should entail, but he was certain he should talk about why it is important to communicate. The crews needed to see that the entire world was depending on them. People were dying from attacks that made their way to cities, and Kaiju were coming out faster and larger than ever before.

Kaidan knocked on Edi and Joker's door. Edi opened it slightly, already in her pajamas. A small crash came from behind the door.

"Jeff, are you alright?" Edi stuck her head back in their room.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Who is it?" Joker asked.

"Mr. Alenko."

Joker appeared next to her. He fixed his shirt and put his arm around Edi. It made Kaidan smile a bit, seeing the subtle comfort they found in each other.

"Anderson told me to follow up with you guys... Listen, you didn't do anything wrong per se, but your arguing nearly got Harper and yourself hurt. I hardly know him, but I can already tell he's not the best person. That doesn't mean you don't need to look out for him though. He's awful but he's on your team..." Kaidan paused and was met with a slight glare from Joker. "You guys did a lot better than the others though..."

"Thank you Mr. Alenko. We'll work on fixing that," Edi smiled.

Kaidan nodded, at least she seemed to be happy with him. He walked down a few doors to Shepard and James' room next. He could hear them arguing inside and debated on knocking or not. He drew closer to knock but stopped, being able to hear clearer what they were saying.

"I don't care what you think, Lola! He was right!"

"No! You aren't allowed to 'Lola' me the middle of a fight James! You know just as well as I do Harper isn't here for the right reasons!"

"Right reason or not he was right in his decision tonight! We were closer to Normandy and you saw that, we should have helped!"

"Are you seriously defending  _him_  right now?"

"No! I'm trying to make you understand that just because Anderson trusts you doesn't mean you ever really make the right decision!"

There was a moment of silence. Kaidan knew that now wasn't the time to talk to the two of them and quickly hopped off their steps and towards his room. Their door swung open and Shepard stormed out, James followed behind apologizing for what he had said.

"Hey, I said I'm sorry!"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," she snapped.

Her eyes landed on Kaidan. She knew he had heard their argument and knew he would agree with James if given the chance. She left before he had the chance to say anything. James looked defeated as she left, knowing he had crossed a line. As much as he felt it true in the moment, he knew Shepard was good at making competent decisions on her feet. This just happened to be one that could have ended badly, and they were both too  worked up to really understand the other's side of things.

"You two okay?" Kaidan asked.

"Yeah... She'll disappear for a couple of hours but she'll be back and be fine..." James sighed, running his hand over his face. "You heard that didn't you?"

"Part of it..."

"I didn't mean it..."

"Doesn't mean you aren't right."

James looked up at him with confusion written in his expression.

"You both are supposed to listen to each other and her stubbornness overrode anything you had to give. She might make smart decisions most of the time, but it wasn't the right decision tonight. You have a right to be angry about it, I am... Anderson is," Kaidan responded.

"Anderson would never be mad at her..." James trailed off.

"Maybe not at her specifically, but at the fact her decision got another pilot hurt and that she wasn't listening to her copilot. When you didn't help Normandy first and when you didn't help Cerberus after you and Normandy took down the category four, we could have lost them both and we need as many functional pilots as we can get," Kaidan sighed. "Look, you're good pilots, but there's a lot of work to be done. The entire planet is depending on you and if everyone can't work together we might as well give up."

"You weren't there, you-"

"I wasn't there but I know you loose people when someone doesn't listen," Kaidan cut him off.

James didn't respond. He glanced down the hall in the direction Shepard had left and went back into their room. He felt like he was fighting for and against her at the same time and didn't like the conflict he was feeling. Shepard hadn't listened to him, but she was still his best friend and he couldn't just sit and listen to Kaidan belittle her decision like that. However, laying on his bed waiting for her to come back, he realized that he hadn't really tried to stand up for her. Deep down he thought Kaidan was right.

~~~~~

James woke up to find Shepard's bed empty. He looked at the time and saw that it was morning. She should have been back a long time ago. They had fought before, but Shepard had always come back. He had stormed out himself, but he always came back. It wasn't a rule, but it was expected the other at least be there in the morning. He worried she had somehow gotten herself hurt last night, then again he wasn't sure what kind of trouble she could actually get into on base.

He pulled out his clothes for the day, scanning over her things. Nothing had been moved from the night previous, meaning she hadn't come back at all. He knew what he had said last night had hurt her, but he didn't think it was this bad. He gave her a little longer to show up, but it was nearing breakfast and there was still no sign of her. He moved to the door and heard talking on the other side. Hoping it was Shepard, he looked through the peephole in this door across the hall. Kaidan stood talking to Shepard. He listened closely to hear what they were saying.

"No he'll be fine," Shepard said.

"You were gone all night."

"I'll just tell him I needed time to think. He gets it... But this stays between us."

"Absolutely," Kaidan nodded, glancing down the hall in both directions before leaning toward Shepard.

James took a step back from the door and sat down on his bed. Shepard had stayed across the hall all night when her own bed was right there. Last he checked, Kaidan would have given Shepard a lecture she didn't want to hear, and yet she still picked staying in his room over their own. He had possibly ruined his closest friendship he ever had.

The door swung open quietly. James looked up, making eye contact with Shepard, his face pale.

"You weren't here when I woke up," he said softly.

"I know... I'm sorry..." she apologized, sitting next to him.

"Where were you?"

"I stayed with Miranda."

Just like that, he knew it was over. She lied to him for the first time since he had known her. All those years of trust were thrown miles out the window by the two of them. There was no coming back from that and he knew it. Guilt filled him to the brim and he dreaded the next time they would have to drift. She wouldn't be able to hide the fact she lied. James knew Shepard wouldn't trust him enough to drift either. He felt their world start to crumble in that moment.

"Did you?" James asked, looking at his hands.

"I'm sorry I scared you..." she apologized.

"Don't worry about it..."

A silence fell over the two. Shepard moved to change her clothes quickly before they headed off to breakfast. Things were changed for the worse, and he couldn't help but blame himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly really like this plot point and had a lot of fun with this chapter. I hope you liked it to!


	9. About That Fight...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard’s view of the argument and what happened with Kaidan the night before.

Shepard stormed off, heart broken that James could say such horrid things about her. He knew how often she doubted her capabilities and wondered if she had only gotten where she was because of Anderson. He was her best friend and had just used her fears against her. It hurt worse than any real wound could. She knew the moment she saw Kaidan he had heard what was said and left before he could see the tears welling up in her eyes. She didn't want anyone to see her upset, especially not Kaidan who obviously agreed with what James had just said.

She turned the corner at the end of the hall, and not being sure where she was going, slunk down to her feet. She could hear everything that James and Kaidan we're saying, and it was just confirming her fears. James hadn't really tried to prove Kaidan wrong which made her heart sink more and the pit in her stomach grow.

"You weren't there, you-" James started.

"I wasn't there but I know you loose people when someone doesn't listen," Kaidan cut him off.

Shepard heard the door shut and choked back a sob. She hated being vulnerable, but knowing the fact that she ignored James could have very well ended in another accident like Ashley's. Possibly even to her and James. She couldn't hold herself back anymore and let herself cry. She didn't hear the footsteps coming down the hall.

"Hey," Kaidan said and her head snapped up.

Shepard quickly got to her feet and wiped the tears from her eyes. She hated crying in front of people, and the only ones that had seen her cry were Anderson, James, and Kahlee. Now she was standing in front of someone she barely knew with tears streaming down her face over a what seemed to be no good reason.

"Alenko. I thought you had gone in," Shepard swallowed.

"I was about to... Are you alright?" he asked, reaching out and placing his hand on her shoulder.

"I'm-"

"Don't say you're fine. We both know you're not."

Shepard slid down the wall again and rested her head in her hands. There was no use trying to hide the obvious wreck she was at the moment. Kaidan moved and sat down next to her, he didn't say anything, just offered his company.

"I thought I was making the right decision."

"I know."

"I can't trust Cerberus any further than I can throw them."

"I know."

"We could have lost someone else..."

"... I know..."

There was a moment of silence as the pair let that sink in. Both of their minds fixated on Ashley, though it didn't have to be said. They knew this could have ended terribly and that the repercussions would have followed Shepard around for ages.

"I know you hate the Cerberus team," Kaidan spoke slowly as if not to upset her too quickly, "but you need to understand they're still a part of your team. You need to look out for them as much as you hate it."

"I really only hate Harper," Shepard said. "He treats the drift like... Like it's some way to have as much power over someone as possible. I don't think Kai Leng has any say over what happens out there. It's always Harper, Harper, Harper. Leng is just there to make sure his brain doesn't explode."

"You didn't listen to James tonight..." Kaidan pointed out.

"I..." Shepard squeezed her eyes shut, realizing what she had done. "He hates me doesn't he?"

"No, he just knows you were wrong tonight. He wants you to see that because he doesn't want you to make that mistake again."

"Make a mistake, learn from it, move on," she nodded and stood up.

"You heading back?" he asked and stood next to her.

"Not yet. I want to give him time to cool down... I'll probably just walk around the base for a couple hours."

"You can stay in my room for a bit, rather than roam around doing nothing."

Shepard considered it, nodded, and followed him back to his room. She looked back at her door as she entered his room. It felt odd that even for a moment she would stay across the hall even for a moment rather than just go face James, but she knew he was still going to be furious with her. It was better to give him a little time alone, and it would be easier to just stay across the hall than to roam around for hours.

Kaidan's side of the room was only a little more lived in than what used to be Ashley's. There were sheets on the bed, a book on his desk, and a t-shirt draped over his bed post. He quickly threw it in the duffle bag at the foot of his bed and sat down in the chair. She sat in the other one, feeling a little weird being somewhere Ashley used to sit but her not being there anymore.

"Do you miss her?" Shepard asked after a bit of silence.

"Ashley?"

She nodded.

"More than anything..."

"You know..." Shepard paused, "I had nightmares for the longest time after she died. I was terrified every time I stepped into a Jaeger with James it would be the last."

"Yeah... I still have nightmares sometimes," he took a deep breath and shook his head.

"I don't think I'd be able to handle loosing James... I lost my parents when I was a kid, then we lost Ash, then I lost my crew doing a mission to find civilians, then we lost Thane ... I couldn't deal with losing James."

"Krios? I didn't know he had died..." Kaidan mumbled, remembering having seen him and Samara in the few fights before the pair officially retired.

"Last year, it was quiet and not many people knew. Samara showed up one day and when we saw her, we knew. It was just Anderson, Samara, Thane's son, and I," she explained.

"He was a good pilot."

"A good pilot, a good father, a good friend, a good person," Shepard nodded.

"And... Your crew?" Kaidan inquired.

"Yeah, we uh... We were going to get civilians out of a city right in the line of an incoming attack. Most of the civilians got out but as we were loading up the last few trucks this scared old guy who didn't speak any English got a hand on my gun and... Well it was the kick start to a lot of bullets and a lot of death on both sides... Three cars were supposed to go out and we didn't even fill one," she chuckled wryly.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You weren't the one who let him get your gun."

"You blame yourself?"

"No," she lied, sucking in a breath. "Yes..."

"You know that's not your fault... Right?"

"This isn't a thearapy session," Shepard almost snapped and moved to stand up.

"Hey," Kaidan stood alongside her and grabbed her arm. "I blamed myself for Ashley for years and it makes things so much worse-"

"You didn't kill her."

"And you didn't kill them."

Shepard fell silent. Kaidan knew she didn't believe him, but he wanted her to understand that it wasn't her fault. He knew what it felt like to carry around the guilt of those lost on his shoulders. Shepard shouldn't have to carry her entire crew's loss.

"You don't know that," she pulled her arm away and fell back into her chair.

"Hey, look at me," Kaidan sat on his chair and rolled it closer to her. "You can't blame yourself for what happened. I did that with Ash and all it does is make things worse. Ash wouldn't want me to blame myself, neither would your crew."

Shepard nodded slightly. It wasn't enough to fully convince her but it was a start. She rubbed her eyes, which burned from exhaustion and tears. Kaidan reached over and tilted her head up to look him in the eye.

"I don't know much about the way you fight, but I do know Anderson, and that if you didn't make enough of the right decisions, his kid or not, you wouldn't be in a place to make any decision," Kaidan assured her.

Shepard wanted to fight him but she knew he was right. Anderson wasn't one to play favorites in any capacity, especially not one where lives were on the line. She wanted to go back into her room and apologize to James for being so stupid about this whole thing, but only about a half hour had passed from when she stormed out. She hardly thought that was enough time for him to calm down. She glanced at the bed behind her, then focused her eyes back on Kaidan.

"If you need to sleep I'll wake you up in a couple of hours so you can head back over," Kaidan offered.

Shepard nodded. She stood up and made her way over to the bed. Kaidan stopped her.

"That one doesn't have any sheets, mine does. I'll just sit up until then."

Shepard considered it, the blankets made things look infinitely more comfortable. She gave in without second thoughts and fell asleep soon after her head hit the pillow. She looked much calmer now. Kaidan sat on the edge of the bed and reached over, mindlessly brushing her hair off her face.

~~~~~

Kaidan wasn't sure when he fell asleep, but the next thing he knew he woke up to his left arm throbbing as blood rushed back to it. He groaned and slowly opened and closed his hand. Below, on his chest, Shepard hit his chest tiredly.

"Shhhh..." she grumbled.

"You made my arm numb..." he said, wrapping it around her now.

"Deal with it... You're comfortable..."

"Hold on..." Kaidan said, gaining more consciousness. "Shouldn't you be back in your room?"

At that realization Shepard shot up in bed, nearly falling off. Had it not been for Kaidan's arm already around her waist, she would have. She rushed to the door and flung it open. Kaidan followed her quickly.

"Is James going to be mad?" Kaidan asked.

"No he'll be fine," Shepard said.

"You were gone all night."

"I'll just tell him I needed time to think. He gets it... But this stays between us."

"Absolutely," Kaidan nodded, glancing down the hall in both directions before leaning down and ushering Shepard to go.

She left without another word with him. She entered her room quietly, hoping not to wake James but found him already awake and sitting on his bed.

"Where were you?"

"I stayed with Miranda."

And just like that she had lied to him for the first time ever.


	10. Best Laid Plans Often Go Awry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Shepard drift for the first time after their fight.

James and Shepard hardly talked in the weeks that followed. As much as they wanted to pretend like everything was fine, they couldn't just push away everything they had said. That meant lots of silent meals and nights of no sleep, wondering if they could forgive each other. James was hoping that both of their wrong doings would make it easier to push aside.

James sat at his desk, writing a letter to his sister. Usually Shepard would be there, but she had slowly been spending more time away from him. He wished he could take back what he said, but deep down he was still mad at her.

Shepard walked in, giving a brief nod to James and placed a basket of clothes on her dresser before laying down on her bed. He looked at the letter finishing up the last little bit before sealing it. He grabbed the socks he had just finished knitting and stood.

"Do you want to take a trip into town to get Lana something?" he asked.

"I'm good," she responded.

James' grip tightened around the socks. She had never passed up a chance to get Lana a gift, and the kid didn't deserve to be treated differently because neither of them wanted to address the problem. He put the letter and socks back on his desk and pulled out her chair. He motioned for her to sit down across from him. She slowly did.

"We need to talk," James started.

"Listen I-" Shepard started but he cut her off.

"No. No excuses, no trying to prove you didn't do anything wrong," James said. "I messed up. I said things I shouldn't have, and you're hurt because of it."

"James-"

"I'm not done. But  _you_  lied. Not only did you not listen to me in the drift, but you stayed with Alenko and you didn't want to tell me. Shepard, we both screwed up but I need you to forgive me as much as I need to forgive you," he paused but was met with no response. "Shepard we've hardly talked in three weeks. We need to fix this before we have to drift again."

Shepard shifted to stand.

"No! We need to talk about this!"

Shepard opened her mouth to say something but was met with Kaiju alarms blaring. She turned towards the door.

"I'm not drifting with you," he said.

"I'll figure something else out then."

James stopped in his tracks as she stormed out of the room and down the halls to the hangar. He expected her to stop, to address the problem before they had to drift. But now she was leaving, as if they didn't need each other anymore. James kicked the door frame and ran after her to the hangar.

The two suited up in silence. Usually they would be cracking jokes and making everyone laugh in the face of possible death. This time it was complete silence, leaving everyone to their own thoughts. Legion placed a helmet over Shepard's head, glancing between her and James.

"We are worried about your drifting..." he whispered.

"That's not your place to comment," she snapped.

Legion nodded quickly and left with Garrus. He had good reason to be worried about them drifting. Anderson had been known to force pilots to take time off in an argument, knowing it could be dangerous. Legion took it upon himself to tell Anderson the pair wasn't fit to go into battle. He walked into the command room just a few seconds too late.

"Initiating neural drift in 3... 2... 1," Miranda said.

"We don't think this is a good idea," Legion quickly said, but it was too late.

~~~~~

Shepard's head pounded and her vision blurred. Voices filled her ears but she couldn't make out any words. James learned up against a wall, his helmet already off and a look of pain on his face. She couldn't remember what had happened but hands wrapped around her arms and hoisted her to her feet. She blinked hard and was able to see Miranda and Kaidan on either side of her.

"Hey we got you, keep breathing," Kaidan's voice came through, still muffled.

"Is he okay?" Shepard asked.

"Yeah, look, he's standing on his own."

Shepard looked over and saw him with his arm slung over Garrus' shoulders. She nodded and took a step, feeling pain shoot up her leg and her side. She closed her eyes hard but continued. This was something they could deal with later, as water was already ankle deep. It was a struggle to pull herself out of the Jaeger, but Kaidan lifted her into the helicopter and sat her next to James.

"Hey..." she said softly, "are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think I might have some bruised ribs... My arm hurts like hell too..." James responded.

"Do you remember what happened?"

"Yeah, our drift failed right as a category five surfaced our of nowhere. If it weren't for Normandy we wouldn't be here," James gulped.

"Well... Thank you Normandy then..."

"I think Lola's going to be okay though," James assured her.

"... who's Lola?"

 


	11. Laundry Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard do some laundry, a drift goes sour, Kaidan and Garrus finally talk.

Kaidan didn't want to admit it, but he had grown oddly grateful of James' and Shepard's fight. Of course, it would have been better if they weren't fighting, many less tears would be shed on his shoulder, but Shepard was a kind of company he hadn't known he wanted. He had tried many times to make one of them apologize to the other, but Shepard was too worried about her lie and James was convinced Kaidan wasn't seeing his side of things. He only wished they would make up before the next Kaiju attack.

Kaidan shoved handfuls of t-shirts into a washing machine, quietly humming to himself. He used to do these mundane tasks with Ashley, but had grown accustomed to the silence that accompanied him now. It took him quite some time to find himself able to do these tasks. He no longer thought about it.

Shepard walked in with a basket full of her clothes. She smiled slightly at him and placed her basket down nearby before opening a washer and throwing some in. He watched her for a moment and handed over his detergent after she noticed she had forgotten hers.

"Thanks," Shepard took the bottle from him and poured it atop her clothes. She shut the lid and hopped up on the washer next to it.

"Not a problem," he leaned up next to her. "How have you been?"

"You saw me not more than five hours ago," she laughed a bit.

"Nothing interesting happen?"

"Not that I recall, what about you?"

"I met an alien race, married their queen, and took down a bunch of evil robots from space."

"All before dinner!" Shepard laughed again.

Kaidan smiled, her laugh was comforting. Though he didn't know exactly why.

"Have you and James talked yet?" He asked after a brief silence.

"No... It's not any of your concern either way," she almost snapped.

"I just worry about what it's going to do when you drift."

"If he'll even agree to that in the first place..." she shook her head and buried it in her hands. "He's pissed at me because I didn't listen to him and he thinks I'm still pissed at him for what he said."

"If you can forgive him he can forgive you. Just because you made mistakes doesn't mean you can't move on."

"He doesn't want to-"

"He wants for you two to forgive each other more than anything. He's even jealous of  _me_  right now just because you talk to me."

Shepard took this in for a moment and looked up at him.

" _He's_  jealous of  _you_?" she asked.

"Absolutely," he nodded, "he glares at me all the time during meals and any time he sees us talking he turns as red a cherry."

"He wants to talk to me?"

Kaidan nodded again.

Shepard smiled slightly and hopped off the washer as her clothes dinged. She pulled them out and dropped them down into a dryer nearby. She bounced on her heels and Kaidan couldn't help but smile a bit. He was glad it had brought her mood up so much and that she and James would be able to get back to normal. It would be easier to be her friend if he didn't receive endless glaring from her drift partner.

"You know you bounce on your heels when you're happy?" Kaidan asked.

"What?"

"I've noticed it a few times. When there's jello over pudding at meal time, after Anderson gave you that letter from Kahlee, and just now. You kind of..." Kaidan imitated her bouncing, "bounce about. It's cute."

Shepard laughed a bit and smiled. She stopped bouncing and closed the dryer. Her feet now spread a bit wider to assure she would stand still.

"I didn't mean that to stop you," Kaidan added once she stopped. 

"It's embarrassing," Shepard said.

"I didn't say embarrassing, I said cute."

"That's the same thing."

Shepard pulled herself onto the washer again and Kaidan moved to stand across from her. She had on a tank top and shorts, nothing all too fancy, but a little part of his brain said she still looked nice. He was suddenly a bit self conscious about his attire, an old Alliance t-shirt and shorts bearing holes at the bottoms. He had worn this many times before but had never felt this worried about what he was wearing. Then again, Ashley's laundry day outfit consisted of almost the same thing. Shepard looked more put together.

"Have you met Garrus Vakarian yet?" Shepard asked after their conversation lulled.

"Not yet. Anderson has been pushing for it though."

"Well, you should listen to him... I want to see you drift and I think Garrus would be a good partner."

"Everyone seems to think so."

"You two fight for very similar reasons. Both of you grew up in military families, joined Alliance as soon as possible, haven't gone home since, and I've seen the way you fight and he fights and they would work well in a Jaeger together," she paused. "Not to mention if Anderson believes in it then it's gotta be right."

Kaidan nodded and laughed, knowing Anderson hadn't put a bad pair together since he could remember.

"Do that tomorrow. It's too late tonight, but we need more good pilots and it won't hurt to try."

"Alright, you've convinced me," he gave a wry chuckle, his mind already racing with everything that could go wrong.

"Hey," Shepard's voice broke him from his thoughts, she reached out and poked his leg with her foot. "All you have to do is talk to him. That's it."

Kaidan nodded. All he had to do was talk.

"I don't know if I'm ready for this." 

"Let's make a deal then. I settle things with James and you talk to Garrus. Sound good?"

"...Yeah. Sounds good."

~~~~~

_"Tell me more about her," Kaidan's mother said._

_"She's... Well she's... I don't know how to explain it Ma..." He laughed a bit. "She's kind, and strong, and smart, and the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."_

_"She seems to be able to keep up with all your father's grill talk which is impressive."_

_"Oh, yeah. I don't know anyone who's been able to do that," he smiled and looked over at her as she nodded and took a drink from her cup._

_He loved the way her nose crinkled when she was focused. It was the same look she got right before loading into her Jaeger, though much smaller this time._

_"You seem to really like her Kaidan."_

_"I do..."_

_"You brought her to meet us... You haven't even talked to us in years."_

_"I know..."_

_"It would have been nice if you would have called or something."_

_"I didn't think you wanted me to," he admit._

_"You're our son Kaidan, we wouldn't just kick you out like that."_

_He nodded and looked back at his mother._

_"What did you say her name was?" she asked._

_Kaidan's mind said Ashley. He wanted to say Ashley. He meant to say Ashley, but the word that came out was Shepard._

_~~~~~_

Alarms woke Kaidan up again. His mind was still focused on the name at the end of his dream. He had meant Ashley, but that wasn't what came out, that wasn't who was standing there. It was Shepard, the girl across the hall, probably already in love with her drift partner. This wasn't supposed to be in his mind, and yet his dreams forced it upon him. Though at the moment he didn't have time to think, Kaiju alarms were sounding and Anderson expected him in the command room, tucked away in his usual spot in the corner.

He pulled on clothes and quickly exited his room. Shepard and James were already partway down the hall. He smiled slightly, and followed down the hall, separating when they left to their Jaegers. He was glad they had spoken to each other and were able to pilot together. The world needed them out there, and they had made up just in time.

Kaidan walked into the command room and found his spot in the back. Anderson came in with Miranda soon after. She sat down in the front of the room and he took place, standing behind her. One by one she initiated drifts between the pilots. Though there was a struggle with Shepard and James.

"Lola, your drift is failing..." Miranda said. "We have a different pair of pilots we can substitute in if you-"

"We're fine. Just give us a second," Shepard responded.

"Lola-" Anderson started.

"We're fine!" she snapped and the drift started to even out.

Kaidan knew at this point they hadn't talked, meaning their drift was incredibly unstable. The best pilots he had known always knew to wait until a fight was over to drift. He and Ashley had even been known to take time off because of a fight. This was dangerous. He had to say something and he started towards Anderson. The Jaegers were flown out before he could say anything.

"Sir..." Kaidan said softly, glancing over the screens in front of them.

"Yes, Alenko?"

"Shepard and James they're... I know they had a fight a few weeks ago and I don't think their quite over it."

"Damn it..." Anderson grumbled. "They're already being flown out."

"I know sir... They're both strong I think they can handle this."

Kaidan moved back to his spot and watched again. The fight was normal, everything was going as planned and communication was much better than it had been. Kaidan was glad to see that something had stuck with them from the last fight. The Kaiju went down without a problem, but it was right before pick up things went wrong. It started with Lola's drift faltering. It was just a moment, but soon after it plummeted and completely shut off. The Jaeger's full power shifted to one pilot, then the other. Both tried to calm their minds enough to regain a drift but the power the Jaeger pulled was too much to do that. Anderson was yelling to shut Lola's power off when Shepard's vitals cut out. Red lights flashed and sensors beeped to alert the room.

"Vega, what's happened to Shepard?" Anderson ordered.

"She's taken-" he started but the line went dead.

"We need to get out there," Kaidan said, already starting out the door.

"Anderson... A category five just surfaced."

~~~~~

Nobody was sure what to expect when they pried Lola open to get to James and Shepard. Of course they expected one dead body, but inside could be two. Or worse, no bodies at all. Too often pilots bodies never made it home, and Kaidan didn't want to come back empty handed.

Kaidan immediately went to Shepard as soon as he entered the cockpit. She was hardly concious and her eyes glazed over. Her words slurred as she spoke but he did the best to understand her.

"Hey we got you, keep breathing," Kaidan said as he and Miranda lifted her up.

Shepard responded with words he assumed to be about James.

"Yeah, look, he's standing on his own," Kaidan lied, looking over to James whose entire weight was slumped against Garrus.

Miranda moved to help Garrus with James, realizing Kaidan wouldn't leave Shepard. He helped her to the helicopter and sat her down next to James who she instinctively moved closer to. They shared a couple of labored and exhausted words, and slumped against each other.

"The two of you stay awake," Chakwas ordered and knelt in front of them, immediately getting to work at stabilizing the pair.

Kaidan watched intently as she worked. He didn't notice Garrus come up beside him until he spoke.

"They'll be okay. I've seen them take pretty bad blows before and they're up on their feet in no time," Garrus assured him.

"This isn't a normal injury," Kaidan pointed out.

"I know but this is Vega and Shepard..." Garrus pointed out.

"They'll pull through," they both said.

Kaidan eased down into a seat, eyes still glued to Shepard as she struggled to stay awake on James shoulder. Pain was starting to cause him to become unresponsive and she could hardly keep her eyes open long enough to prove to Chakwas she was awake. Those were some of the longest minutes of Kaidan's life. He couldn't help thinking that if he had caught onto it sooner, they would be okay.


	12. Who's Lola?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard wakes up and tries to remember everything over a game of cards.

James wasn't sure what was worse, Shepard not remembering anything or Shepard being mad at him.

The burning pain in his spine had subsided with a load of pain killers, but he was still alert enough to remember what happened.

_"...who's Lola?"_

He repeated the phrase over and over in his mind as he watched Shepard from his bed. She hadn't woken up in three days, he had been counting. Chakwas ran her tests every morning when she thought James was asleep and every night when he thought Chakwas was gone he pulled himself out of bed and next to her for hours. They both knew they weren't as sly they thought, but had made a silent agreement not to say anything.

Chakwas walked in bearing breakfast, quite obviously not made in the mess hall.

"Where's this from?" James asked.

"The mess hall," she responded.

"This-"

"If you know what's good for you you'll take that as an answer," she warned.

James nodded. He looked over the pancakes, the cup of blueberries, the strips of bacon. None of which looked very appealing. He knew he still needed to eat and did his best to swallow a few bites. Chakwas was happy to see him eat even one.

James sat quietly and ate slowly. Mornings were never much a time for conversation between him and Chakwas. She had tried her best at first but she soon noticed he didn't want to talk until he was almost certain Shepard wasn't waking up. Today however he seemed to give up on her rather quickly and engaged in conversation with Chakwas earlier than usual.

"When am I going to be able to get out of here?" James asked.

"You should be cleared to go in two or three days. But obviously you'll need to take it easy once you do."

"Yeah, okay..." He nodded. "And Shepard?"

"We'll have to see when she wakes up."

"You know... She didn't remember Lola on the ride back and hardly knew who I was and-"

"It does no good to dwell on that. We don't know how bad it is until she wakes up," Chakwas explain.

James nodded again and looked over at Shepard. He'd never felt so helpless and scared in his life. He couldn't imagine life without Shepard, yet he had been stupid enough to risk loosing her. He couldn't help but feel it was his fault she was laying there looking as sickly as she was. He blamed himself for a lot of things recently.

Kaidan walked in the door as usual. There was a pattern of when people would come into check though out the day. Kaidan in the mornings, Miranda for lunch, and Anderson would always come in with Kahlee after dinner and right before Chakwas would go off to sleep. Every once in a while someone new would visit, but they wouldn't come in regularly enough to expect.

"How are you doing?" Kaidan asked, pulling a chair between the two beds.

"I'm fine. The doc says I'll be cleared in a day or two," James said.

Both of their eyes drifted to Shepard. James knew she was the real reason he was here, there was some sort of chemistry between them. As much as he hated it, he knew Kaidan was going to be good for her, and that she would be good for him. But that was only if she woke up.

~~~~~

James sat next to Shepard holding her hand and humming. In a few hours he'd become too exhausted to stay awake, but as for right now he was content where he was. There used to be nights he cold hold her in his arms and drift off listening to sleepy stories of her childhood. He missed those nights, it had been months since he was last able to hold her, and at this rate he wasn't sure if it would ever happen again. All he wanted was to talk to her one more time and fix everything. They had both made stupid mistakes but they never expected to end up there.

James pressed Shepard's hand softly to his lips and stood. The weight of his eyelids was too much to fight. As much as he wanted to stay, it was getting too late to wait up any longer. Chakwas would be coming in to kick him out soon enough.

"James?" Chakwas opened the door to the dimly lit room.

"Yeah I know, you're kicking me out..." he sighed.

Chakwas nodded and held the door open wider.

James leaned down and kissed Shepard's forehead. He squeezed her hand and started to walk off. He froze and his head shot back to look at Shepard.

"She squeezed back."

"She did?" Chakwas asked, moving quickly to check on Shepard.

"She just squeezed my hand," James nodded.

Chakwas pulled a small light out of her pocket and flipped the overhead lights on as well. She pulled open Shepard's eye and flashed the light over it, quickly being met with a disoriented hand pushing her away. James held her hand tighter.

"Hey, hey, hey, you're okay..." He assured her.

"You... Yeah..." Shepard sat up. "I blacked out right after umm... A category five hit us, right?"

"Yeah." James sat down, still gripping her hand.

"How long have I been out?"

"About a month and a half..."

"That's..."

"A long time..." James nodded.

Shepard could see her absence had hurt him and she squeezed his hand again. He smiled and squeezed it back. Chakwas smiled, seeing how much better James was doing now that she was awake. She had listened to him talking about their fight before the accident and knew how much he blamed himself for what went wrong. She also knew Shepard probably blamed herself just as much.

"Let me check on her a little more and then I'll let you two be," Chakwas said.

James reluctantly backed up and let Chakwas do her work. Shepard seemed to be doing okay, though she struggled to recall much of the past few months before the fight. She could hardly remember they had even fought let alone what it was about and James was glad to leave it at her assumptions of it being over a jello cup. He didn't want her to be mad at him all over again, especially not after loosing her. Though when he let her believe the lie, Chakwas gave a disapproving look. He quickly shrugged it off and threw his focus back to Shepard.

She was finally back.

~~~~~

When Kaidan finally heard news of Shepard waking up he was eating lunch with Garrus, Joker, and Edi. Anderson approached them, looking far more happy than he had been. When he opened his mouth they all knew why.

"Shepard woke up last night," he said.

Immediately the four of them were shoving as much food as they could down. They were estatic to see her. Fighting had been much harder for Joker and Edi without Lola by their side, and Kaidan and Garrus wanted to see their friend okay again. Not only that but they had since started drifting and wanted her to know.

"Hey, now, Chakwas doesn't want her overwhelmed. She only wants family going to see her for at least a couple days."

"I'm family," Joker said.

"I'm family by association," Edi added.

"You know I think James is my long lost brother," Garrus added.

"Which means I'm a long lost brother by association," Kaidan added.

"Take it up with Chakwas," Anderson shook his head and left them to finish their meal.

They all didn't fully finish and threw out their trays quickly. Kaidan made sure to grab an extra jello cup before heading out, glad it was jello today instead of pudding. Garrus noticed and smiled to himself. He was sure if it weren't for James, Kaidan and Shepard would be drift partners. They had become friends in such a short time, and though he and Kaidan had taken shorter to become close that was partly attributed to the drift. Nonetheless, Garrus was happy to finally have a copilot, and in Eden Prime was better than he could have imagined.

"Not all of you are coming in here," Chakwas said at the sight of the four of them at the door.

"I'm family," Joker said.

"I'm family by association," Edi added.

"I'm James' long lost brother," Garrus added.

"And let me guess, you're a long lost brother by association?" Chakwas rolled her eyes as Kaidan nodded.

"You can let them in, I'm really doing fine," Shepard's voice called from behind her.

"She wants us." Joker didn't hesitate to push past her and head over to Shepard's bed.

She sat cross legged on her bed with cards in her hand. An unfinished tray of food sat at the end of her bed atop one scraped clean. James held more cards in his hand and gave a wave at the group as they walked in.

Kaidan looked over Shepard. She looked more casual than he had ever seen. The most casual being a the outfit she had worn doing laundry previous to this. Now she sat in a dark green shirt and shorts, no shoes, and her hair down rather than pinned back to regulation. James put a hand on her knee and she instinctively set her's atop it. Both of them laid down on the bed in front of them.

"How you doing?" Joker asked, sitting in a seat Edi had pulled up for him.

"Oddly enough... Kind of tired..." Shepard laughed. "I've been up for about six hours. I fell asleep for a while a before that."

"You just slept for a month and a half and you  _want to sleep more_? Are we sure this isn't a ploy for you to get out of working?" Garrus teased.

"Darn. You got me," Shepard said monotone, causing everyone to laugh.

"You guys want to play cards? We were playing go fish but can play something else now that you guys are here," Shepard offered.

"Crazy eights?" Kaidan offered.

James nodded and reshuffled the cards. The rest of the group grabbed chairs and situated themselves around her bed. Shepard shifted closer to the head of her bed to make room for the others. She studied Kaidan as he studied his cards. Everyone else in this room she knew, but looking at him was nothing more than a faint memory that she may have met him before.

She pushed those thoughts to the side and focused back on her hand. It was evident as they played both Kaidan and James were going easiest on her, but she didn't complain. It gave her a chance to one up Garrus which she was always happy to do. After a while of playing cards and chatting, Shepard leaned over to James.

"I can't for the life of me remember his name..." she whispered and motioned to Kaidan.

"You don't remember Kaidan?" his face dropped slightly.

"I know I've met him... But I just can't remember where I know him from," she explained.

James nodded. He swallowed, focusing on Kaidan for a second. He sighed and put his hand of cards down, faking a yawn.

"I don't know about you but I'm about ready for a nap and I can tell Lola here's getting tired too. Plus I don't trust Joker or Garrus not to end up taking advantage of Shepard and place bets."

"Hey! I would-"

"Yes you would," Garrus interrupted.

"I rest my case." James stood up and placed a kiss on the top of Shepard's head.

She smiled slightly. Kaidan must have been important if he didn't want him to know she didn't remember. But if James didn't think she should tell anyone she knew it was best to keep silent about it. The group gave her a quick round of hugs and she did her best to act what she assumed was normal towards Kaidan.

Kaidan... She knew that name, and her memories of him felt so close. But as much as she tried she couldn't quite remember him.

"Let go of my arm, James," Chakwas said as she stumbled into the room.

"She said she didn't remember Kaidan, Doc. That's months of her life she doesn't remember," James explained.

"Alright. I'll look at her," Chakwas promised.

She walked over to Shepard. James hovered over her shoulder. She took a deep breath and pushed James back.

"What do you remember about him?"

"I've seen him somewhere before I know that. I just don't know what I can't remember."

"That's not unusual. With time your memories should all come back, something will trigger them," she assured Shepard and turned to James with a knowing look.

 _Tell her_ , she mouthed with her back to Shepard.

James took in her advice but didn't say anything to Shepard. Instead he took the deck of cards in his hands and dealt them.

"Go fish?"

"Nap first... Come here..."


	13. The Scientists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tali and Mordin work on bringing this war to and end after finding some interesting statistics.

Tali read over her numbers again. This didn't seem like it was right. Kaiju attacks had been increasing, but she didn't think the intervals were this statistically significant. At this rate Kaiju attacks had increased to once about every two weeks. They had originally been every six months, and by her calculations had been steadily growing at the same rate since they started. And soon they would be every day if something wasn't done about them.

"Mordin?" Tali called across the lab.

"Hmm?"

"Can you come check my calculations?"

Mordin padded over to her desk, taking another sip of his coffee. He looked over her work quickly, squinted, then looked closer at it. He pulled it off her desk and closer to his face, taking what most would consider a normal time to read. But Tali knew how quickly he took in information, he as really concerned about her statistics.

"Calculations are right... But not good..." Mordin responded and placed the paper back down on her desk.

"This means that in three weeks there's not going to be anything less than a category four coming out and in four months we can expect a minimum of one Kaiju a day..." Tali took a deep breath. "We need to fix this now more than ever."

"Been running tests on computer, may have found answer," Mordin said and quickly pulled up his screen.

The screen showed what seemed to be a model of the Pacific Rim Breach. It showed the flow of Kaiju from the other side to Earth. Mordin typed in a quick code and movement appeared on screen as a dot.

"Pathway doesn't only go out. Goes in too. Send in something in..." He paused as the dot entered the breach. "Can make it cave in..."

The breach slowly collapsed in front of them.

"...if it's as simple as that, why haven't we tried it before?"

"Not certain what is on other side."

"And now we are?"

"More tests to be sure..." Mordin responded and busied himself in his own calculations again.

Tali looked at his model that had reformed after his demonstration. It made sense... But it had to be harder than this. Nobody would endure years of fighting if it was that easy. So many civilians and pilots had been lost in all this mess, she just needed to figure out how to assure this would work.

"Is there an energy flow from them to us?" she asked.

"Yes. Not strong. Easy to back track."

"What radiation are we expecting?"

"Not sending humans. Not a worry."

"It can't be this easy, Mordin..."

"More tests. Keep eye on this," he said and shut the computer down. "Sleep on it."

Tali nodded and rubbed her eyes. They burned from lack of sleep. She hadn't gotten more than a few hours for the past week. Maybe a rested mind could think more clearly on the topic. Maybe tomorrow she could help him make this a reality.

Maybe they could finally see the end of this war.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dudes I'm sorry this keeps taking so long to update but I promise one day it will be finished.


	14. Memories

"All I'm saying is that it's odd that she's not talked you," Garrus pointed out and climbed into his bed across from Kaidan.

"She's only been awake for a week and I'm not exactly on the top of their priorities right now." Kaidan shook his head and laid down.

"Okay... Whatever you say..."

"Are you doubting me?"

"All I'm saying is that you two go from buddy-buddy, maybe a bit more, to 'I haven't said anything to you since I woke up'...kind of weird if you ask me..."

"She's recovering Garrus."

"Alright... Alright..." He chuckled.

He leaned back and grabbed his book from his desk. Kaidan flipped on a radio they had recently gotten and attempted to tune it to a station. This was a different kind of partnership than what he and Ashley had, but he was glad to have it.

Pretty soon they would be heading out on their first fight together, and it was starting to look like it would be all category fours and higher. Lower categories had become more and more rare in the past few months, but now there had two attacks this week, all category fives and sixes. He it was daunting that their first fight would be such a hard one, but it wasn't anything they couldn't handle.

"I might go see her after dinner..." Kaidan suggested after settling on a station playing soft jazz.

"That's a good idea." Garrus nodded, trying to hide his smile behind the pages.

"I can see you..." Kaidan grumbled.

"What can I say? I think you two play off each other really well, and in a very different way I think you need."

"I've known her for what... Three months? And for a month and a half she was in a coma. That's only how things work in fan fiction, Vakarian."

"What's that saying you said the other day? About Joker's soda can statue falling down?"

"Art imitates life?"

"Yeah!"

"That was so I had an excuse to trip him. And I wasn't talking about fanfiction... Either way that's not going to happen with Shepard and I. All that I'm doing is going to see her."

Garrus sighed but didn't say anything else. Instead he buried himself back in his book and Kaidan drifted off into a nice nap as they waited for dinner.

~~~~~

Kaidan hesitated outside of Chakwas office. It was nice to be able to do things without Garrus, as he had rarely done so without Ashley, but at this point he wished he had a little bit of backup. Shepard wasn't scary, but he was worried what Garrus had said was right. That Shepard didn't want to talk to him for some reason. He had to at least see her. That's all he had to do.

Kaidan knocked softly and walked in. He looked over Shepard, still looking unusually casual. This time she wore an old, black shirt with a red stripe on each shoulder outlined in white. On the upper right corner of the shirt was a little patch reading "N7". It was an old military title his father had, he wondered how she had gotten her hands on such a shirt.

"Hey..." He said quietly and moved slowly into the room.

"Hey! Uhh... Kaidan! Sorry my memory is still kind of iffy," she apologized.

"Don't worry about it." He smiled. "You're feeling better?"

"Yeah. Chakwas is letting me back in with James tonight and as soon as my memory is regained she said we could start trying to drift again."

"That's amazing!"

"No kidding. Took a month and a half of sleep, but I'm going to be fine."

Kaidan smiled and placed his hand atop her's. She tensed up at his touch and he quickly pulled his hand away.

"Shepard do you know who I am?" He asked.

"I... Umm..." She sighed. "I don't think I'm supposed to tell you because James acted all weird when I told him... But I hardly have any clue who you are. I struggled to grasp some of the rest of the crew I've been working with for years. You have to understand I'm really working on remembering everything but some memories are harder to find than others."

"Do you know who Ashley is?" He asked warily.

"... yeah..."

"I was her copilot."

"Oh... When did you get here?"

"A while ago," he responded and the two fell silent.

It hurt in an odd way that she didn't remember him. They were no longer friends in her mind. This hurt worse than he thought it could. Then he remembered his dream right before the attack she was hurt in. He was starting to feel something for her and had forgotten about it until he began to loose her.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

Kaidan nodded and stood quickly, turning to leave.

She grabbed his wrist to stop him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." She paused. "If you want you can come in between lunch and dinner tomorrow and we can talk. Chakwas says that could trigger memories. I want to put it all back in my head, for you and so I can get out there again."

Kaidan nodded. He gave her hand a quick squeeze but left without another word.

It hurt to see him leaving, but she couldn't pinpoint why.

~~~~~

_"Trust me when I say you two need to meet," Ashley said, rummaging through Shepard's stash of candy._

_"I'm not really the type of girl you bring home to your drift partner," she joked, causing the two to start laughing._

_"I'm serious though. I think you two would be really good friends."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"For one you both can put up with me," she laughed. "But two, you both seem to care a hell of a lot about ending this war in the same kind of ways."_

_"What does that mean?" Shepard asked, grabbing a piece of chocolate for herself._

_"You both don't care if you personally suffer from all this fighting, just as long as other people don't have to."_

_"Isn't that why someone should be here?"_

_"Well..." Ashley hesitated. "Yes, but I'm here because it's just what my family does."_

_"What would you do if you didn't have to be here?"_

_"I don't know..." She paused to think for a moment. "I think being a writer would be nice... I've never really thought about it before."_

_"Well you need to start because the moment I step into a Jaeger this war is over."_

_"Slow your roll there fireball," Ashley chuckled. "You need to find a drift partner."_

_"Haven't I told you about James?" Shepard asked._

_"_ _**Vega** _ _?" Ashley asked in disbelief._

_James was a new recruit, though he had come in much later than most everyone else. Usually it was at eighteen recruits would ship out, but he was older than the others. Everyone tried their best to stay out of his way, as he was a rather intimidating character. Shepard was the only person Ashley knew who that would march right past that intimidating stature and force him to talk to her._

_"Yeah, he's-"_

_"Okay, first of all, how did Anderson let him come within a_ _forty mile radius of you? Second of all, he's twice your size and you two don't have anything in common." Ashley interrupted her._

_"Anderson was the one to suggest we drift in the first place, and you don't know if we have nothing in common because you've never talked to him... Joker thinks he's nice." Shepard answered._

_"And Joker is... Well... Joker."_

_"All I'm saying is I wasn't sure about you until I spent time getting to know you," Shepard shrugged._

_"Fair enough," Ashley paused. "I commend him though, a month in as a recruit and he's already drifting with the Admiral's daughter."_

_Shepard laughed at Ashley's suggestive tone. Obviously nothing was going to happen between them, but Ashley still loved to make jokes._

_"I hate you," Shepard said, chuckling._

_"No you don't. I'm your favorite person."_

_The two laughed again. For a moment things felt normal, like there wasn't a war hanging over their heads. For a moment they were just people, and the world was okay again._

~~~~~

Shepard wasn't quite sure what triggered her memory, but at least she remembered talking about Kaidan with Ashley. She still had no memory of personally knowing him, but this was closer than she had been. That was a good step.

She laid back on her pillows, still trying to grasp at the memories. It was odd to know she couldn't remember something, and she hated that it upset her friends, even though she didn't remember Kaidan. She took a deep breath and hoisted herself out of her bed. She wasn't going to leave it like this.

"Kaidan!" Shepard called down the hall. She gripped the door frame for support, walking was still something she was getting used to. "Kaidan!" She called again.

"Shepard, what are you doing?" Kaidan asked coming back down the hall after hearing his name.

"Listen, I'm sorry I don't remember you, but you need to at least let me try," she said. "I need to get back out in a Jaeger, but I also want to know you. You seem important."

"You know I think you're a little too headstrong at times..." He chuckled and placed his arm under her's to help her stand.

"I can't be in a Jaeger currently which means all I really have right now is trying to remember all the crap I've forgotten," she explained.

"You'll get back in one soon," he assured.

"I'm not in one now and there's already been a fight I couldn't be in. Chakwas says it could take months to get back to normal. I can't just sit waiting the whole time."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Tell me what I'm forgetting."

~~~~~

"Remember any of it now?"

"No....it feels like I just listened to a story..." Shepard sighed and laid back on her pillows.

"Who knows, maybe it'll help in the long run..." Kaidan offered.

Shepard just put her hands over her face and shook her head. It felt so trivial to try to bring back her memories when a war was raging and she couldn't help. But maybe he was right. Maybe something would come of this.

"Hey, Lola," James said as he walked in slowly. "Chakwas said it was time for a walk. Ready to go?"

Shepard nodded. She thanked Kaidan quickly and headed off with James. She wanted her memories back, but with his arm around her, and things feeling a little more normal, she was glad to pretend she had forgotten their fight forever.


	15. The Scientists, Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tali and Mordin seem to have found something that may change the outcome of this war.

Six cups of coffee and 47 model runs later, Tali had finally figured out the problem with Mordin's idea. She wanted him to be right, but they needed to be certain that the plan would work before they tried it. A rather hefty bomb was needed to collapse the breach, and if it didn't go through, it would be worse than a few pilots dying. After finding the flaw in his plan, she would be able to find some sort of way and fix it.

"We need a genetic code." Tali blurted out.

"Hmm?"

"I made a few modifications with numbers I gathered from the last few Kaiju attacks and according to this... We need a Kaiju's genetic code to get through," Tali explained, showing Mordin the new simulation.

"Understood. Find a way to make genetic disguise then."

Tali nodded.

"We need to talk to Anderson about this now... This just might work."

Mordin nodded. He grabbed his papers and followed Tali out of the room. Silence had fallen over the halls a long time ago, as most pilots were now asleep. Anderson probably wouldn't be too happy being woken up, but at this point everyone had grown used to odd sleeping patterns and back to back days spent awake. It wouldn't upset him much once he heard the reasoning. In fact, it might actually make him a bit happy he was finally being woken up with good news. 

Tali knocked on his door. She shuffled her papers in her hands. For the first time things were looking up, but nerves still filled her. Mordin placed his hand on his friend's shoulder. She smiled a bit and Anderson opened his door.

"What do you need?" he asked.

"Sir, I think you need to take a look at this." 


	16. Back Into Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Garrus’s first time in a Jaeger fighting together, and Shepard and James get back into Lola for the first time in a while.

Alarms sounded during a bit of downtime after lunch. This was the second Kaiju attack of the week. The pilots all exchanged worried glances but immediately headed off to get into their Jaegers.

"Kaidan, Garrus, I need you on this one," Anderson called.

Kaidan took a deep breath and looked over at Garrus. He nodded to assure him they were ready. Shepard's hand landed on each of their shoulders.

"Go kick ass, James and I are rooting for you."

The pair thanked Shepard and headed into Eden Prime. As much as Kaidan was expecting to hate stepping foot in his Jaeger to fight, he didn't feel much animosity to it. He had drifted with Garrus before and was actually a bit excited to fight. Ashley would have been happy.

In the command room Shepard took Kaidan's usual place. She used to stand in the back when she was a child and listen to the pilots fight. She dreamed of being in a Jaeger back then, and she was dreaming of it again. James wrapped his arm around her shoulder. They both knew that it would still take a while to get back in Lola as neither of them were cleared to fight, but having Shepard walking was a good sign.

"I always thought when Eden Prime came back I'd be there to fight next to her..." Shepard muttered and leaned into James. "You think Ash would be mad?"

"I think she'd understand." James assured her and kissed the top of her head.

Her eyes scanned the screens in front of her. It had been a long time since she had seen them up and running this way. She was glad to be here rather than locked up in the med bay, waiting for James to get back and tell her how things went. It was the best she could get in the situation she was in.

"Eden Prime drift going strong," Kaidan's voice came over the comms.

Shepard smiled and breathed a sigh of relief from stress she wasn't aware she was holding. James gave her another assuring squeeze.

"Sir, it's two category six..." Miranda said softly.

"Get Wrex and Grunt in their Jaeger." Anderson ordered.

"Tuchanka is still being worked on. We can't send them out in a partially broken Jaeger, sir."

"We don't have much of a choice, now-"

"Send us." Shepard interrupted.

"Absolutely not." Anderson shook his head.

"Lola isn't broken, and we'll just be out there for backup. We'll focus on keeping our drift stable unless we absolutely have to fight. Anderson, they need us." Shepard argued.

"Neither of you are cleared to fight."

"But we're both okay with it," James responded. "Miranda's right, we can't send out a broken Jaeger."

"I'm not letting you do this."

"We weren't asking your permission."

The room fell silent at James' statement. Anderson was fuming, but they didn't have time to talk more about it. Instead Shepard pushed James toward the door. Ignoring Anderson's attempts to stop them.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" James asked as they quickly entered Lola.

"I wouldn't have suggested it if I didn't want to," she responded.

The lights of Lola powered on, meaning someone in the command room was on their side. Legion entered after them and helped them into their suits. Lola slowly powered up all systems in front of them. A rush of adrenaline rushed through the pair. Shepard smiled at James.

"Lola, ready to drift?" Miranda's voice filled their ears.

"Shepard ready," she said.

"Vega ready," he said.

"Initiating drift in 3... 2... 1."

~~~~~

"On your left Eden!" James yelled, swinging at the Kaiju.

They weren't supposed to be fighting much, but everything had just gotten worse as the fight went on and Lola had to step in. Any time Miranda spoke, Anderson's muffled cursing could be heard in the background. But now it had just gotten down to one Kaiju, already injured and bleeding.

Lola swung at the beast again, knocking it back in the water. Eden Prime passed them, sword in hand and came down upon the monster, now leaving a gash on it's abdomen. Lola stepped back as Normandy zeroed in behind them. With just a few more blows the beast had fallen, leaving the three teams to wait for a pickup.

"You still doing okay?" James asked.

"Tired but okay." She nodded.

"Yep... Cortez and the crew are coming to pick us up soon. Hang on."

Normandy settled next to Lola and Eden Prime followed.

"Neither of you are supposed to be here," Kaidan yelled across the comms.

"We couldn't let you try to take on two category six Kaiju on your own," Shepard responded.

"You could have gotten hurt more than you already are."

"We knew the risks, and what's done is done," James responded.

"You could have died," Joker said.

"We're fine," they both said.

Silence fell across the comms as they continued to wait. Kaidan was obviously furious, Joker was worried about his friends, and Edi and Garrus did their best to stay silent. It wasn't a conversation they wanted to take part in at the moment. Luckily Cortez appeared soon and saved them from their silence. James and Shepard were forced to end their drift immediately after being picked up.

Shepard sat and took her helmet off. She took a deep breath of the fresh air. James pulled off his helmet and knelt down next to her. He placed his hand on her shoulder.

"You okay?"

"You're the old guy here." She joked.

"Shut up," he laughed and sat next to her.

She laid back, still breathing heavily. James slumped over, equally exhausted. The brain power it took to pilot had quickly drained them. Even as they landed back in the hangar they didn't bother to move to stand.

Kaidan rushed in a couple of minutes after landing, Anderson, Legion, and Miranda following quickly on his heels. He immediately knelt down next to Shepard.

"Is she okay? What happened? I knew you shouldn't have done this," Kaidan prattled off.

"You idiot," Anderson grumbled through his teeth. He hit James upside the head and knelt down next to Kaidan.

"Woah, I'm fine," Shepard assured them, sitting up. "Besides if anyone was to blame for one of us getting hurt it would be me."

Shepard looked over at James who had yet to say anything. His eyes were glossed over and his expression seemed far off. She reached out and grabbed his hand which momentarily broke him from his state.

"James?" She shook his hand and grabbed onto him tightly when that didn't seem to do much.

"You idiot," Anderson grumbled again, this time hitting Shepard upside the head. "Is Chakwas coming?"

"Yes," Miranda responded.

"James come on at least look at me..." Shepard said softly shaking him again, she lowered her voice even more. "C'mon... You promised..."

~~~~~

Shepard woke up with a splitting headache. She rolled over and checked the time, about an hour before her alarm. James was still fast asleep across their room. She didn't want to wake him up, after all Chakwas told her he needed all the rest he could get for the next day or two. She padded out of the room as silently as she could.

"You're up?" Kaidan asked the moment she exited her room.

"Stalker much?" She chuckled. "My head is killing me so I'm going to get some water... Maybe some pain killers..."

"Think it's from yesterday?" he asked, stepping down from his room and meeting her in the hall.

"Probably," she nodded, rubbing her temples.

"Here, I get migraines all the time. There's a pressure point that helps me," he reached out and pulled her closer and rubbed the base of her skill.

She closed her eyes at the relief and smiled a bit. She still needed a bit of water and pain killers, but his pressure point was helping. She opened her eyes again and looked up at him.

"Kaidan..." she said softly. "I've got a question..."

He nodded. His hand stayed on the back of her neck, his other on her arm. He didn't think much of her closeness until she shifted under his hands. He didn't move them though.

"Were we... Uhh... Did we ever..." She stammered. "God, this is embarrassing..."

"Yeah... But no we never..." Kaidan trailed off.

"I should go get water..."

"I've got some in my room if you don't want to trek down to the mess hall and then to the med bay..." Kaidan offered.

"Sure," Shepard nodded.

Kaidan offered her his water bottle and a bottle of pills. She took them and sat on the edge of his desk. A moment of silence passed before either spoke again.

"I was worried about you..." he said. 

"I promise I'm okay, it's James you need to worry about... It would have made more sense if I was in his state. I thought my brain was more fried than his."

Kaidan sighed. He had been fighting whatever feelings had been growing in his mind, but seeing her on the floor after having been in a coma had made his feelings set in. He hated to admit it for many reasons. For one, he still felt as though he was betraying Ashley. But Shepard seemed to be worth getting over that.

"Is he okay?" Kaidan asked.

"He's doing fine," Shepard nodded. "A hell of a lot better than yesterday. It scared me seeing him like that."

"That's good..." he said, taking a moment before continuing. "Do you think after all of this we could... Maybe just go out for drinks?"

"After all this?" she asked.

"You know, the war and all it's shitty aftermath."

"It'll give me something to look forward to," she smiled.

"Good."

"Adorable... now would you mind letting me get back to sleep?" Garrus's grumbled from where his face was buried in his pillow trying to block out the light from the hall. 


	17. Making A Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard finds out there may be an end to the war in sight and Kaidan may know someone who can help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is taking me FOREVER TO UPDATE THIS AND I'M SO SORRY.

Everything had only gotten worse in the following weeks. Kaiju attacks became more common, higher categories were more and more common, and there had even been talk of a recent one being classified as a category seven. Not only that but Shepard knew Anderson was hiding something. He had only done that once when she was ten and he wanted to surprise her with a short camping trip for her birthday. The whole week he claimed he was working. But now it was something worse, she could tell it was weighing on him.

James had easily gotten better. It took a couple days of rest, which he wasn't keen on, but Shepard made sure to entertain him. Chakwas' threats had also managed to keep him in bed. He was certain he could easily snap Chakwas, like most people, in half, but he knew she wasn't to be tested.

Shepard had told James of Kaidan's proposition to go out for drinks after all this was over. He immediately turned around and gave Kaidan what he claimed was a "stern talking-to", though Shepard knew it was much more of a threat than that. But that would be far into the future, they didn't have time to think of first dates as things continued to get worse the way they were. She wasn't even sure he would be interested in drinks by the time the war ended. At this point it didn't seem like an end was in sight, but as of right now she had something to look forward to. 

Shepard walked into Anderson's office after finally convincing James to give her a minute alone with him. She had claimed it was "family stuff" and that she would tell him as soon as she had things sorted out.

"Hey," she said gently as she walked in.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, at her tone.

"Depends..." She said and sat across from him. "I know somethings up, what is it?"

Anderson sighed, she could read him like a book.

He pulled out a file from his desk and opened it. She could tell it was Tali's handwriting for the most part, but some notes had been written by Mordin. They were Alliance's best K-Science workers and had been working on finding a way to stop Kaiju for years. Notes from them could either be good news, or proof the end of the world was on the inevitable horizon.

"Tali and Mordin claim to have an idea on how to end this war."

"That's amazing!"

"Well... They also say this all is going to get much worse before it gets better," Anderson sighed and rubbed his face. "They're not sure they can find a way to make this solution work before we're expecting at least one Kaiju a day."

"What's their plan?" she asked.

"The breach goes both ways, if we can stick something in, make it explode, the breach will collapse and we can all rest easy. The only problem is that they don't think anything but Kaiju genetics can get through and they aren't sure how to get something to be masked with Kaiju genetics."

"Yeah... That's going to be hard." She pulled the notes over to her to look at.

"And..." Anderson put his head in his hands. "Udina got word of this plan and wants to talk to me about it."

"He's going to force us to go through with this too fast."

"I know."

"People will get hurt."

"I know."

"Tell him it's not ready, or that you don't think it'll work, or something," Shepard suggested, a little panicked at the thought of Udina's response.

"I can't. I'll do my best to stop him from making any stupid decisions, but if he asks, I have to give him this."

"If he wants to bring an end to the war he can't do this. So many people are going to stop trying if our end all attempt ends up just getting us killed," she protested.

"Shepard, trust me, I know that."

She shook her head and looked down at the notes in front of her. Most of it was jibberish and chicken scratch to her, especially the notes written in Tali's native language. She wasn't sure what exactly she was looking for, but she felt as though she needed to find something.

"You won't find anything I haven't already, kid," Anderson said.

She smiled a bit at the nickname. He had called her kid since the day he took her in. It had always made her smile and reminded her of her own father. He used to call her kiddo, and often she noticed other similarities between the two.

"I'll call you down once I deal with Udina," Anderson assured her.

Shepard stood up and headed for the door. She stopped and turned back with a small smirk on her face.

"Hey, make sure to call Kahlee tonight. She's been badgering me about you not calling enough, and she wants us to have dinner at home soon."

"I'll do that," Anderson smiled, putting the file away again.

Shepard left him to his own thoughts. This plan would work if given the chance, but he had to talk Udina into not rushing in first.

~~~~~

"Have I ever mentioned I hate Donnel Udina before?" Shepard asked, plopping down next to Kaidan. She motioned to James and Garrus. "What are they doing?"

"Seeing who can hit more consecutive darts in the center of the board..." Kaidan responded. "Did Udina do something to make you this mad?"

"Just... Knowing him he's probably going to screw something very big up very soon," she responded. "Who's winning?"

"Garrus, but what's Udina going to do?" Kaidan changed the subject back.

"This isn't something I'm supposed to really tell anyone... But Tali'Zorah and Mordin Solus may have found a way to close the breach permanently," she explained.

"They what?" Garrus asked.

"I'm not supposed to know this either so we keep this quiet for now, but they found out the breach flows both ways. We can send something in, cause a big enough commotion, and it'll close."

"What's the hold up?" James asked, walking over to her and Kaidan.

"Only things with Kaiju genetic coding can get through which means we wouldn't be able to do anything if we tried right now."

"So let's kill a Kaiju, jam it a bomb in it, and throw it down the breach," James suggested.

"For one, there's no way to control what it does which means it could come back up," Kaidan pointed out.

"Also there's a chance the breach could reject the bomb and not the Kaiju. Right?" Garrus added. 

Shepard nodded and sighed. It was too risky to try at this point. She worried Udina wouldn't see that, and she knew that if he didn't everyone in that room would pay the price. But at this point she knew they couldn't dwell on that.

"Alright, so who was winning?" She pointed to the dart board.

"It was me," Garrus responded.

"Yeah because you cheated," James snapped back.

"If you're really such a good shot then it's you and me, Vakarian. Who's really the best shot?" Shepard stood.

Kaidan smiled as she took James' hand of darts and started closer to the board. She was good at keeping up morale, at being a leader, at most things. Actually, Kaidan couldn't quite pinpoint something she was bad at. He would have to keep thinking later, right now he focused on the darts hitting the board, yet another thing she was good at.

~~~~~

It was two A.M. when Shepard and James woke up to an incessant banging on their door. James flipped on the light next to his bed and looked over at Shepard who was equally confused as him. He got out of bed and opened the door. She loomed behind him and the two squinted at the bright light of the hall.

"I know a doctor. Liara T'soni, she's brilliant and I'm telling you, she can figure out how to do this whole bomb thing. She's in Japan and if Anderson let's us go we can be back in a week and a half, easy," Kaidan said the moment the door opened.

"... It's two in the morning..." Shepard mumbled.

"I know but I couldn't sleep and then Dr. T'soni came to mind and I know she's smart enough to do this. Do you think Anderson is still awake?"

"Not enough to keep up with you right now... How much coffee have you had?" James asked.

"None, should I bring it up to him tomorrow?"

"No," Shepard shook her head. "This isn't something that can wait very long... If I wake him up he won't be too mad."

"It can't wait four hours?" James asked.

"You know just as well as I do that the difference between now and four hours from now could be a Kaiju attack."

James nodded. He rubbed his eyes and stretched.

"You can stay and sleep more if you want," Shepard offered.

"You don't want me to come?" he asked, eyes quickly flicking to Kaidan.

"I figured you didn't want to deal with an angry and tired Anderson," she said.

"You're right, tell me how it goes," James stepped out of Shepard's way and she left with Kaidan. 

Kaidan and Shepard headed down the hall toward Anderson's room. It was quite a ways across the base from the pilots rooms, mostly because Anderson didn't want to be bothered in the middle of the night. Only important things would make it across the base, and this way he could stay as far away from gossip as possible. In fact, Kaidan wasn't quite sure where Anderson's room was, he just followed behind Shepard the entire way.

She knocked loudly on the door when they arrived. Movement was heard on the other side of the door and then it flung open to an equally groggy Anderson. His face softened when he saw Shepard but hardened again when he saw Kaidan. They both could see assumptions being made about what they would say, and Shepard spoke before he could truly make any.

"Alenko knows someone who might be able to help find a way to end this war," she said.

Anderson raised an eyebrow and looked over at Kaidan.

"I know I probably wasn't supposed to tell anyone but Udina's a jackass and if I didn't we wouldn't have this suggestion. He said it was... Uhh..." She tried to recall the name.

"Liara T'soni. She's a doctor I met building a coastal wall in Japan. She's brilliant and I know she can help us. To be honest I'm surprised Alliance hasn't already recruited her," Kaidan said.

"I've heard of her... We tried but she refused to join us. Maybe now that things are more dire she'll consider it," Anderson nodded. "I'll send someone out to find her first thing tomorrow." He began to close his door.

"Sir, she'll only talk to people she trusts. I think it would be in our best interest to send me," Kaidan said.

"It's not the smartest thing to send one person, I'll-"

"Send me too," Shepard interrupted.

Both Anderson and Kaidan looked at her with surprise but she held firm to what she had said. Neither wanted to agree with her proposition, but they both knew she was too headstrong to take no for an answer. Not only that, but Anderson knew she would do anything to stop this war.

"I'll make sure everything goes smoothly, we won't cause a ruckus for Alliance being somewhere we shouldn't be, and there's less of a chance Vega and I will do something stupid if I'm in Japan."

Anderson weighed his options. He looked back at them and took a deep breath. Shepard always knew how to get what she wanted with him. He wished she didn't know him this well.

"Get packed you'll be on the next flight out."

~~~~~

"Why are you packing?" James asked groggily.

"Don't be mad at me but I'm kind of going on a mission with Kaidan to bring Dr. T'soni back here," Shepard said quickly.

"You mean  _we're_  going right?" James sat up.

"No, just Kaidan and I. I know this isn't something you're too happy about but we don't have time to talk about this right now. The world's been coming to and end for most of our lives and if this can stop it we can stand being apart for a week."

"Shepard-"

"James," she stopped and looked at him. "I love you, but you don't mean the world to me. Right now we have a chance to save it and if we don't take that chance right now we won't have another one. You'd do the same."

"I know. Be safe. What do you need packed?"

Shepard hugged him tightly and turned back to her bag.

"Hairbrush."

~~~~~

"Garrus, I'm going to Japan for a week and a half. Don't let Joker into my stuff."

"Okay."


	18. And There Was Only One Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And there was only one bed...

Shepard knew the decision she had made was under the influence of sleep deprivation. It wasn't, however, until she woke up due to turbulence on the plane that she noticed that this very well might be a mistake. She was sure Anderson would rub it in forever if she said anything to him, so instead she would stay quiet until the end of this journey.

"I hate turbulence..." she grumbled and lifted her head off of Kaidan's shoulder.

"The good news is we're almost to Japan," Kaidan said. "Anderson set up a hotel and once we check in there I can check in with a few of my uhh... Friends to try to find where Liara is."

"You know the way you said friends was totally believable," Shepard said sarcastically.

Kaidan rolled his eyes as the plane shook again.

"Remind me why Anderson didn't just send us over here on one of our, less bumpy, jets?" Shepard asked.

"Udina would have caught onto something going on so we're 'taking leave' to 'go on vacation' instead," Kaidan explained.

"Yes... Well... I hate it..." she said and leaned back in her seat. She looked out the window and down at the water below them. Her stomach churned at the sight but she closed her eyes and pretended not to be bothered.

"Can I get the couple a drink?" a stewardess asked. "She seems stressed."

"We're still fine, thank you," Kaidan responded.

"Couple?" Shepard asked once she walked off.

"I got tired of saying we weren't a couple every time she walked by so I gave up and took it upon myself to fabricate a relationship," he explained.

The plane shook again. Shepard's nails dug into her thigh. Kaidan reached over and took her hand, stroking his thumb over the back of it gently.

"Want me to tell you about it?" he asked.

~~~~~

_"Want me to tell you about it?" Kaidan asked._

_Shepard nodded._

_"Okay... So that one there, the one with the real bright star? That's Perseus, and it's not just one star. The reason it's looks so bright is because it's two. There's this binary star system called Algol there and they rotate around each other but they're so close that we can only see one dot with the naked eye. Oh_ _and-_ _" he was cut off by fake snoring from Shepard. "I thought you wanted to hear this."_

_"I do. I was just teasing," she laughed._

_"Alright, as I was saying, Perseus also is sometimes referenced as a constellation symbolizing love, though Algol actually translates to "the demon" which is kind of funny." Kaidan laughed._

_"You sure do know your space stuff." Shepard smiled._

_"Yeah," he nodded. "When I was a kid I used to think aliens would come from the sky... So I did as much as I could to learn about space and stars and things like that... But then the aliens came from the sea... And they weren't friendly and they didn't care that I knew what a binary star system was."_

_"Well I do."_

_"Thanks Shepard. I used to come out here with Ashley and tell her about these too."_

_"Not a problem. Besides, I think it's fun to hear everything wrong you say about the constellations..." She giggled._

_"WRONG?"_

_"I think you forget I grew up on a ship, I knew star charts before I knew how to read," she smiled._

_"Doesn't mean you know the background," he protested._

_"No... But I know that this one over here is Perseus... The one you just pointed to was Orion."_

_"Oh..."_

_Shepard laughed again. Kaidan smiled and laughed alongside her. It was a contagious sort of laughter and by the end the two of them were holding their sides from the amount they had laughed. Shepard rolled over on her side and faced him. She thought he looked beautiful under the moonlight, but wouldn't dare say anything to hint at that. Instead she just smiled at him, and looked back at the stars._

_"So tell me about that one then," Kaidan pointed to another._

_"Cassiopeia..."_

~~~~~

"Shepard?" Kaidan asked and she snapped back into reality. "Shepard are you okay?"

"Yeah..." she mumbled. "I just remembered something I had forgotten."

"What was it?" he asked.

"We were talking about constellations. Nothing big, I just think that what you said reminded me of it..." she shook her head in an attempt to bring herself back to the real world.

"That's good!" He smiled. "You're closer to being cleared to fight."

"Yeah, but we have other stuff to focus on right now. I can't be wrapped up in memories when we need to find Dr. T'soni. If this goes right I might not step in a Jaeger again."

"We can't find Dr. T'soni on a plane, so right now you can be wrapped up in it... Tell me what you remember."

Shepard told him about her memory, or as much about it as she could remember. Bits and pieces still seemed to be missing, but it was a start. Months after waking up, but still a start. The entire time they talked, Kaidan continued to absentmindedly run his thumb over the back of her hand. Shepard was able to forget the dire atmosphere of this mission and simply enjoy being with Kaidan, but eventually it came to an end as the plane landed.

Kaidan was busy trying to find directions with their hotel and Shepard walked up next to him with their bags slung over her shoulder. She peered at the papers Kaidan was examining and rolled her eyes a bit.

"This way," she said.

"How do you know?" he squinted at her.

"I can actually read the map," she responded.

Kaidan chuckled and followed her. It had been quite a while since he last had experience with the language. Though, he was sure he would be fine if stranded here. Nonetheless, he was glad Shepard was there to help. He pulled his bag off of her shoulder as they walked.

"So how did you meet Dr. T'soni?" Shepard asked.

"Liara does her own studies on Kaiju and the breach. She was wanting to get her hands on this one part of this tiny little category one on the other side. Obviously because of regulation she couldn't get it, but she caused a major scene and ended up having to be removed by force," Kaidan chuckled. "I tried to find her after that to ask what she wanted to do with the parts and that lead me on a pretty wild goose chase. Eventually though word got back to her I was looking for her and she met me at this bar, kind of threatened me, and eventually we made a plan to get her part of it."

"You trusted a woman who wanted parts of a Kaiju for who knows what?" Shepard asked in disbelief.

"No, she explained that she had a theory on Kaiju genetics being almost exactly the same. That's why I thought she could help, plus she has like... Fifteen degrees or something."

"Okay... So what happened to her after she got the Kaiju parts?"

"I helped her for a while and we stayed in contact, then I was transferred to the wall in Oregon and a few months after that she stopped responding."

"You were never worried?"

"Oh absolutely, but it's not exactly the smartest thing to admit you broke regulation to get a woman who you hardly knew Kaiju parts. I couldn't check up on her," Kaidan explained.

"So... We don't even know if this woman is alive?"

"I would have heard from some others I know here if she wasn't. It's just a matter of finding her."

Shepard nodded and readjusted her bag. She took the map from Kaidan and looked over it again to assure they were headed in the correct direction. Kaidan looked over her shoulder at the map, he recognized a few places, but most of it would take him much longer to figure out than it was taking Shepard.

They walked a little further and eventually found themselves at their hotel. Shepard walked up to the desk and Kaidan studied the array of pamphlets next to her. Of course, they had more important things to do than go sightseeing in a city suffering from Kaiju, but he found looking at them interesting nonetheless. She pulled at his arm after she had finished and held up their room key. He followed her to their room.

As Shepard unlocked the door a man came down the hall. Another tourist, Kaidan presumed. He looked over Shepard as he walked by and Kaidan placed his hand on her back. She swung the door open and stepped in, flipping on the lights.

"I think the front desk made a mistake," she said.

"Why?" he asked, coming up behind her. "Oh... There's only one bed?"

"Yeah, I'll go talk to them," she responded, picking up her bag she had hardly set down.

"No, I can do it," he said. He took her bag and placed it on a nearby chair. "Just give me a minute."

Kaidan headed back out of the room and toward the front desk. He did his best to attempt to change their room, but to no avail. He would have to return to Shepard empty handed, but he would make sure to let her have the bed. When he rounded the corner, he saw the man from the hall in front of their door talking to Shepard.

"Can we help you?" Kaidan asked.

"Yes! As I was telling your lovely friend here, my name is Glyph, and I work for The Shadow Broker. She heard of your arrival and would love to meet with both of you," he explained.

"We just arrived. How did she hear of us this fast?" Shepard asked.

"The Shadow Broker has eyes all over the city and we have been waiting for your arrival Mr. Alenko. Ms. Shepard is an unexpected addition," Glyph said.

"We won't be seeing The Shadow Broker. Thanks," Kaidan nodded. He quickly pushed Shepard back into the room and closed the door behind them.

Kaidan wasn't sure how anyone here would know about both him and Shepard. Everyone he knew here worked with Liara and he hadn't ever seen Glyph before. He also seemed fairly young to have known Kaidan while he was there which worried him. Someone he didn't know was keeping tabs on him well enough to know Shepard.

"We need to find Liara and get out of here as soon as possible," he said.

"Alright, let me call Anderson and tell him what's going on," she said.

"Don't," he stopped her. "We don't know who that was or what he wants. For all we know a call back home could end badly."

Shepard took a deep breath and nodded.

"So the room situation?"

"The woman at the desk said she couldn't switch our room, but I can just sleep on the floor," he offered.

"Don't be stupid Kaidan, I'm short enough to sleep comfortably on the couch," she said.

"But-"

"Let's deal with that later. For now let's work on finding Dr. T'soni."

~~~~~

"Found anything yet?" Shepard asked, stretching and pushing her laptop back.

"Yeah, the research lab Liara worked at closed right around the time she stopped responding to me, but a few people from that lab are still around here. I should be able to ask them if they've heard from Liara," Kaidan responded.

"Any possibility we can find them tonight?" she asked.

"I doubt it, but there's a newer Jaeger development fauculity nearby that most of them should work at. We can stop by there in the morning."

She nodded and closed her laptop. Her eyes burned and she was starting to need something to eat. She glanced over at Kaidan whose eyes stayed glued to the screen. He blinked a few times and rubbed the base of his skull with one hand and his temples with the other. He took a deep breath with his eyes closed before starting to work again.

"Migraine?" she asked.

He looked up and nodded silently.

"Why don't you stop staring at your laptop screen and take a couple of pain killers and I'll be back in a bit with some food," she offered.

"I don't know... With that Glyph guy, is it really that smart of you to go out alone?" he asked.

"You must think I'm some sucky soldier if you think I'd be here unarmed," she smirked.

He scanned her but didn't see any sign of a weapon.

"What do you have?"

"Telling you kind of counteracts the secrecy," she chuckled and threw him a few pain killer. "I'll be back soon."

She grabbed her wallet and shoved it in her pocket then set out to get food. Glyph didn't seem to be looming around any longer but she knew she couldn't be so certain. After all from a simple walk to their hotel they had been picked our of the crowd and in that town it hadn't taken more than ten minutes. As she walked she kept her eye out, but didn't see anything too suspicious. She tried her best to remain unsuspicious as well, as she wasn't sure what Glyph and The Shadow Broker would be looking for in her.

After deciding she couldn't go wrong with noodles, Shepard went into a small shop and bought two different kinds. Whichever one Kaidan didn't pick she was more than happy to eat. The shop was rather empty and the only other customer left as she received her noodles. She noticed an odd circular shape on her wrist, one she had seen hanging around Glyph's neck on a chain. It must have something to do with The Shadow Broker.

"I've heard the city has eyes all over..." she said and the woman froze. She looked up. "Does that mean something to you?"

"A friend of mine has eyes all over the city as some say..." she responded.

"Are you some of those eyes?" she asked.

The woman nodded with a small smirk.

"I'm hoping, then, you'll know where I can find someone named The Shadow Broker?"

"If she wants to see you, then you would know where she was at."

"Glyph came by, but my friend turned him away," Shepard explained.

"Ah... You don't look like a Mr. Alenko to me," she looked Shepard up and down.

"I'm not, my friend is. And if she's looking for him I can help," Shepard offered.

"What do you want in return?" The woman asked.

Shepard considered her options for a moment. This Shadow Broker would undoubtedly know where Liara T'soni would be, but asking would reveal the reason they were there. However, if she could act fast enough they could get to Liara before the Shadow Broker could do anything.

"Do you know where a Liara T'soni is?" Shepard asked.

"You'll want to talk to the Shadow Broker about that," the woman responded.

"I can't trade my room key for a location? Access to Kaidan for the doctor's location."

The woman pondered for a moment and held out her hand. Shepard noticed she didn't have much of a way out and handed her the key.

"You'll have your information soon, have a wonderful day and be sure to come back for more food!" The woman smiled and hurried into the back, leaving Shepard without her key and realizing Kaidan was alone.

 


	19. Regarding Liara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard go looking for Liara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's still only one bed.

Kaidan was about to fall asleep when he heard knocking at the door. Nobody from the hotel was supposed to be disturbing them, and Shepard had the room key. He flipped on the light and quietly made his way to the door. He looked out the peephole and saw Shepard with the food. Something had to be wrong and he opened the door slowly. She quickly pushed past him into the room and locked the deadbolt behind them.

"What's going on?" he asked, instinctively putting himself between her and the door.

"The woman who sold the noodles to me has the same symbol on her wrist as was on Glyph's necklace," she started, though Kaidan gave her an odd look. "So I tried to figure out a little more about the Shadow Broker and then about where Dr. T'soni is and I ended up trading our room key for information about her."

"You did what?"

"I traded our room key for information on Dr. T'soni. Before you go off on a tangent about it not being smart-" Shepard stopped.

Her phone beeped and she pulled it out. A text from an unknown number had just come across her screen.

_Liara T'soni will be at this location in the next two days The Shadow Broker requests you come unarmed and thanks you for the transaction._

Shepard reread the text and clicked on the link sent along with it. An image of the city with a clearly defined dot popped up. She scanned the map and saw it was all the way across town. They would need to find a car to get to that area in a reasonable amount of time.

"Is that the Shadow broker?" Kaidan asked.

"Yeah, but it's all the way across town," Shepard responded. "We'll need to find a cab or something."

Kaidan nodded and rubbed his temples for a second. He looked at Shepard and sighed.

"We can't go tonight."

"What? Why- oh," Shepard motioned to his head. "Migraine. Right."

"Migraine," Kaidan nodded.

"You probably need to eat," she said and grabbed the noodles. "Here, you pick and I'll eat the other one. Then you can get some rest. We can take shifts and go first thing in the morning."

Kaidan nodded, grabbed a serving and sat on the bed. His head was still throbbing but eating and sleeping would probably help make it better. Though he didn't want to wait until the next morning to jump on finding Liara, he knew he wouldn't be able to function very well with the pounding feeling in his head.

Shepard took the other serving and sat next to him. She ate her's rather quickly but he ate much slower than her and had hardly finished even a portion of his after she had finished. She tossed her trash in the trashcan and looked at him. Kaidan was back to rubbing his temples and the base of his skull.

"You need to sleep," she said and slowly took his food from him.

"I'm okay Shepard," he assured her.

"No you're not," she said.

"You're right..." he gulped. "Can you sleep first? All I need is a couple of hours... Then you can wake me up."

"Of course," Shepard nodded.

Kaidan situated himself under the covers as Shepard turned all but one light near the couch off. She grabbed a nearby blanket, knowing it wouldn't do much good, and her laptop to do a little more digging. She tried her best to stay silent, but eventually Kaidan spoke up.

"My head hurts so much I can't sleep..." he grumbled.

"Can I do anything?" she asked.

There was a bit of silence before he spoke again. She wasn't sure if he was trying to muster up energy or if he didn't want to ask.

"Can you... Can you just rub my head?" he asked.

Shepard stood up and climbed up near his head. He put his head in her lap and she rubbed the base of his skull and played with his hair. He seemed to almost instantly relax. For some reason intimacy didn't feel odd between Shepard and Kaidan, almost like it was a missing piece of their puzzle. Shepard wished in moments like this that they weren't trying to find a woman to help bring about the end to the apocalypse they had grown up in, that maybe they were a couple of friends or even a real couple on a trip like others had assumed. Maybe one day they would be, but today was not that day.

Today they had an apocalypse to end.

~~~~~

Kaidan woke up with a soft sunbeam shining across his face. He blinked his eyes open. His arms were wrapped around... Something that smelled like vanilla and Alliance issued laundry detergent? He looked up and saw Shepard staring off into the distance. Another glance and he saw she had turned the television on but had put on subtitles rather than sound.

"You're up," Shepard said. "Good thing too, I was just about to wake you up to get going."

"I think more than a few hour passed," Kaidan rubbed his eyes.

"Yeah, well you were sleeping so peacefully and I wasn't tired so I just let you be," she smiled.

"That wasn't our agreement."

"But now you're headache free and ready to find Dr. T'soni or kill a Shadow Broker with me."

Kaidan laughed and got out of bed. He walked over to his bag and pulled out his clothes for the day. Shepard did the same and slipped into the bathroom to get ready. He turned the sound back on the television and waited at the end of the bed for her.

As per usual, Shepard walked out in Alliance attire and her hair pulled back. Perfect to regulation. He missed the messy bun he had woken up to, but wouldn't say anything. At least not until the drink they had promised each other after their last battle.

Her phone pinged and she picked it up. A soft smile spread across her face.

"Who is it?" he asked.

"James. He waited until he knew it was morning for us and sent a sappy good morning text," she almost giggled and Kaidan grinned. "He says he misses you dearly."

"Aww, we tell him I'll be back soon and I can't wait to hold him in my arms," he joked.

Shepard laughed and sent a text back. She then shoved her phone in her pocket and looked up at Kaidan. He stood and followed her out of the room.

"Where to?" he asked, attempting to flag down a cab.

"The map says it's a building named... Illium. All the way across town and if I'm going to be honest it looks rather secluded."

"Fantastic..." Kaidan said sarcastically as a cab pulled up.

Shepard nodded and climbed into the car after Kaidan. She leaned up to the driver and showed him where they were headed. Kaidan glanced out the window at the passing crowd as Shepard sat back down next to him. The car started off down the street and I'm a matter of minutes Shepard had managed to doze off against the window. Kaidan however continued to pay attention and route and the buildings around them.

The car came to a stop and Kaidan shook her awake softly.

"Hey we're here," Kaidan said.

Shepard rubbed her eyes and quickly woke herself up. Neither of them knew exactly what to expect inside. But she was going to be ready, just in case the Shadow Broker had set them up for some sort of demise.

Kaidan paid the driver and the pair headed for the building. He jogged up behind her and took it in. For the most part it seemed to be empty, though it had been used before. Kaidan knew something was off about this place but he couldn't quite put his finger on exactly what it was.

"There's gunmen on the roof..." Shepard said softly enough Kaidan barely heard.

"What?" he asked, struggling to not immediately turn upward.

"It's a trap. There's gunmen on the roof. I want you to leave the moment you have an opening," she continued.

"I'm not-" she cut him off.

"Alenko, I technically out rank you and you're the only person who's going to be able to find Liara and bring her back," Shepard paused and looked back down at her phone to see if the Shadow Broker had left any hint of where to head once inside the building. "And that wasn't a suggestion. It was an order."

"Pulling the rank card? Really?"

"It's for the mission and you know that," Shepard said and headed down a hallway.

Kaidan shook his head but knew he didn't have much of a choice. Shepard was right. He had to find Liara, whatever the cost may be. As much as he didn't want to admit it, one person wasn't worth the whole war. 


	20. Home In More Ways Than One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard find Liara, Kaidan calls home, revelations are made in everyone's sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still only one bed and honestly I had a blast writing Liara's rambling. It's all kind of theoretic but I liked doing it so please appreciate it!

"Put the gun down," Shepard put her hands up.

Kaidan stood out of view of Glyph who had pulled a gun on Shepard. By this point the Shadow Broker knew they both were there, but Glyph didn't need to know they hadn't split up.

"Where is Mr. Alenko?" he asked.

"I sent him looking for Liara, he's not with me. You can relax and put your gun down."

Glyph didn't move and continued to glare at her.

"Glyph, right?"

He gave a small nod.

"Listen, Glyph, I know Kaidan is the one your boss wants. You don't need to go pointing a gun at me," she took a step closer and Glyph tighten his grip. "Okay, I won't step any closer, calm down buddy."

"You betrayed Mr. Alenko for information about Liara T'soni and the Shadow Broker isn't happy," Glyph explained.

"No, no I didn't," Shepard shook her head. "Kaidan knows we were looking for Dr. T'soni and knows the Shadow Broker screwed us over in trying to find her."

"Mr. Alenko knows about this?" Glyph asked.

"Yes, he and I just need to find Dr. T'soni and we'll be out of your hair," Shepard explained. "That's all we need."

Glyph contemplated her response. He looked her up and down then pulled his gun back up to point at her.

"You're nervous. You're lying."

~~~~~

Kaidan listened to Shepard talking with Glyph. He knew she would be upset he didn't leave, but he couldn't leave her there without backup. Especially if he wasn't certain if Liara was here or not.

A hand on his shoulder caused Kaidan to jump and pin the body against the wall. He looked up and immediately took a step back.

"Liara?"

"Kaidan we need to get you out of here," she whispered.

Liara took his hand and glanced back in the direction of Shepard and Glyph. Concern flashed across her face and Kaidan stopped her.

"Shepard and I will get you out of here," he assured her.

Liara shook her head and pulled Kaidan further away.

"We need to leave, I'll tell you more once we get outside."

"Liara, I-" Kaidan was cut off by the sound of gunshots.

His stomach sunk and both he and Liara bolted around the corner. Both Glyph and Shepard lay on the floor. Kaidan ran to Shepard and Liara to Glyph.

"I'm fine," Shepard responded before Kaidan could say anything.

"There were gunshots," he said.

"She stabbed him!" Liara cried.

Kaidan looked over at Liara who was holding Glyph. A knife protruded from his shoulder and he seemed to be writhing in pain. Shepard stood up quickly and Liara reached for Glyph's gun.

"You, you're the Shadow Broker," Shepard seethed.

"Don't take another step," Liara warned.

"Shepard, this is Liara T'soni," Kaidan grabbed her and pulled her away from Liara.

Shepard looked at him, a bit stunned. Things started to fall into place. Liara knew Kaidan well, and the Shadow Broker knew the moment he stepped into the city. Liara had shown up and had been talking to Kaidan, and Glyph had made it known the Shadow Broker cared about Kaidan's well-being. Not only that but having Shepard try to find Dr. T'soni all the way across town would leave Kaidan free to be moved out of the city. Liara was the Shadow Broker, but she hadn't wanted to hurt both of them. She just wanted to keep Kaidan safe.

"You're the Shadow Broker," she said again.

Liara stayed silent which itself was an answer.

"Are you serious?" Kaidan asked. "You could have just told us and avoided this entire thing! He wouldn't be stabbed right now!"

"I wasn't sure about Ms. Shepard. I knew I could trust you, but her? She tried to betray you to get information!"

"Liara," Shepard interjected, "we need you to help us with a very time sensitive task. I thought I could trick the Shadow Broker into helping us find you and we could be on our way back to Alliance right now."

"How do I know I can trust that?" she asked.

"You can," Kaidan assured her.

Liara looked between the two. Kaidan obviously trusted her, but she wasn't sure about Shepard herself. Time would tell. If Kaidan needed her help she would lend herself as best she could. Especially because he had always been one to help without question, even before he was able to trust her. She stood and helped Glyph up as best she could.

"You brought knife to a gun fight... And won..." Liara said.

"My dad always said bring whatever weapon you want, just be ready to beat something worse," Shepard said.

"I'm taking vigorous notes on your victory... But may I suggest we do something about the knife situated in my shoulder?" Glyph asked.

"Of course, I've got first aid supplies in my vehicle," Liara nodded and readjusted her hold on him. "In the meantime, what exactly do you need of me Alenko?"

~~~~~

_I miss you. The bunk is too quiet being alone and I have more stuff I need to send off to Lana but I need your approval. Tell Alenko to hurry his ass up._

Shepard smiled at James' text and pulled her t-shirt off. The warm shower water was already fogging up the mirror, but she took a moment to send a text back.

_I miss you too. We found Dr. T'soni and should be heading back soon._

With that she pulled the rest of her clothes off and jumped in the shower. She hummed to herself as she did.

Kaidan and Liara sat on the head of the bed as Glyph had passed out on the foot. His hand was placed atop his shoulder and the second set of bandages. The first ones didn't stop the bleeding entirely, but these ones seemed to do a fine job. Liara pulled her knees up closer to her body as Kaidan spoke.

"Do you think you can do anything about it?" Kaidan asked.

"Do you want the long or short answer?" she asked.

"Sort answer first."

"Most likely."

"Alright, so long answer."

"All multi-celled organisms have a certain generic coding sequence known as HOX genes that tells the body what shape to grow in. However Kaiju genetics don't have this sequence to tell their bodies when to form what parts of their body and where, which is why they all come out looking differently. Not only that but they use a different set of bases in their DNA which means we can't reliably mask anything from our world without being able to harvest Kaiju genetics to form a mask around your bomb. Luckily at the rate Kaiju are coming our of the breach, we should have new DNA soon," Liara paused. "If we can even call that luck."

Kaidan nodded, though he hardly understood what she was saying. Luckily enough, time spent with her over the years had given him enough knowledge to know the basis.

"So we grab the next Kaiju out of the breach and let you do your work?"

"You could say that," Liara nodded.

She looked over Kaidan and about the hotel room. Neither Shepard nor Kaidan seemed to have their own distinct space. Their belongings bled into each other and the couch didn't seem slept on.

"Are you and Shepard drift partners?" she asked.

"Oh, no. We both already have ones, but Anderson, the head of our base, sent us out here. I was the only one who knew you and Shepard is too headstrong to be told no," he chuckled.

"But you two are close?"

"Yeah, I we've known each other close to a year... But it just feels right to be around her. Similar to Ashley... But different too. Garrus, my drift partner, is the same way. Something just drew us together and now he's one of my closest friends."

"How much do you know about her?"

"What's with all the questions?" Kaidan asked.

"I'm just curious..." she trailed off.

"Curious as in you don't trust her," he responded. "I understand Liara... But Shepard is trustworthy. Otherwise I wouldn't be here with her. You know that."

She sighed, but she knew he was right. He would never take her here if he didn't trust her. However a small part of her believed that his trust was based upon the feelings he had developed for Shepard, whatever they may be. She had an intuition about these sorts of things, and she sensed a very strong connection between Kaidan and Shepard. But for the moment they had more pressing matters.

Liara stood up and stretched. A room this small wouldn't be suitable for four people, let alone Glyph's habit of kicking in his sleep. She assured Kaidan she would be back and left to arrange for a better area to sleep. Kaidan was left alone to wait for either of the women to be done with their tasks. Eventually the bathroom door popped open and Shepard stepped out.

A towel was balanced on her head. She rummaged through her bag and grabbed her hairbrush. She pulled the towel off her head and brushed out her hair silently before taking a seat next to Kaidan.

"You know, I've only ever seen you with your hair down a handful of times," he said.

"Why does that matter?" she asked.

"You're always in regulation despite the fact nobody actually enforces a dress code, and if anyone were to be able to not wear a uniform it would be you," he responded. "We're in the middle of fighting aliens from the ocean, and you still work so hard to keep up with it. Why?"

"For one, I hardly have anything else to wear... Anderson basically raised me ever since I was eight or so," she started and placed her hairbrush down. "Most of my life has been military this or Alliance that. Kahlee worked hard to keep me out of it, but I hit puberty and grew so fast they couldn't keep up so they put me in Alliance issued clothing. Anderson could get that for free... So I just stuck with that for a while," she glanced at her bag. "I have like four non-Alliance shirts and one dress."

"A dress?" he teased.

"You'll get to see it once we get drinks when this is all over," she smirked.

Below them Glyph shifted and groaned. His pain killers were probably wearing off and Kaidan grabbed the extras Liara had left on the table just in case he woke up. When he didn't they continued their conversation.

"So, Anderson took you in?"

"Yep. My parents died in one of the first Kaiju attacks. We were fishermen on this tiny ass boat, not very profitable, but nice. What about your folks?"

"They said they didn't want to have anything to do with me if I left and... I still left," he explained. 

"All those years... And you haven't even given them a call?"

"Nope..."

"Okay. You need to." Shepard shook her head.

"I-"

"Nope. You're calling your parents."

"Shepard, why? They don't want to talk to me," he protested.

"I'd give anything to talk to my folks one more time, and I know they didn't mean for you to never talk to them again. They've probably been worried sick about you from the moment you stepped out of their house, you idiot." She grabbed his phone. "It's a reasonable time over in the states, so you're calling now."

Kaidan looked down at it. He hadn't ever thought they didn't mean to push him away. He had always taken it at face value, that his parents never wanted to talk to him if he was "throwing his life away", but now he had a chance to call them again. What Shepard had said really hit him hard as well. She just wanted to talk to her parents one last time, he wasn't going to tell her he wouldn't after that.

Liara walked into the room right as Kaidan was about to open his phone. She held in her hand new room keys.

"We can't sleep here tonight, pack up your things. I've found a much better place that can accommodate all four of us."

~~~~~

Kaidan stood on the balcony contemplating what Shepard had said. She was no longer there which meant he didn't feel guilted into calling his family, but a small part of him still wanted to. He wanted to hear about his mother's trip to the store, or his father's latest escapades in restoring old cars. He wanted to know if they still did the same things, but he was terrified of what they might say.

"Hey," Shepard spoke softly and walked up next to him. "Call them."

Kaidan nodded and opened his phone, once more allowing the guilt to drive him. It was easier to make a decision for her than for himself. Especially when he would never make this decision on his own. He took a deep breath, went to press call, and froze.

"Are you going to call them?" she asked gently.

"I just..." he sighed. "They told me not to talk to them after I left. I don't want to be reminded they don't want me there."

"Nobody in their right mind kicks their son out just because of a career choice."

The phone rang once.

Then twice.

Then a third time.

"Alenko residence. What can I do you for?" His mother's voice rang across the line.

"...hey Mom..." he gulped.

"...Kaidan?"

They talked for hours. Kaidan hadn't realized until partway through that in just a few weeks the world would be teetering evening further toward disaster. Now way probably the best time for him to be calling. It was the calm before the biggest storm he would ever experience. He made a note to thank Shepard.

"Kaidan... Before you go..." his mother trailed off.

"What is it?"

"Are you calling because of the Kaiju attacks increasing?" she asked. "Does this mean..."

"No, mom, it's going to be okay. Shepard, a friend of mine, talked me into it. It's going to get bad for a little bit before it gets better..." he paused, "but I promise it'll get better."

"Tell Shepard I say thank you then, and don't forget to call again," she said, much more relieved.

"Will do, Ma."

They bid each other farewell, but Kaidan stayed on the balcony, staring at the town below. He hadn't heard anything from his parents ever since he left, and all of the homesickness hit him all at once. He missed his mother's hot meals, and his father's jokes, and even the tiny inland house he used to live in. All the more reason to do his best to bring an end to this war.

After a while Kaidan meandered back inside their hotel room. Shepard had fallen asleep, curled up on the couch. Her phone screen was still lit up and messages from James still open. He smiled a bit, seeing nothing but rows of emojis from both ends. The strings didn't seem to make any sort of sense, but they seemed to be having fun none the less. Another message from James came in and he couldn't help but read it.

_I'm imagining you're asleep right now so goodnight Lola. Talk to you tomorrow._   
_ps It's quiet without you._

Kaidan smiled for a moment. He shut her phone off and threw a blanket over her. He contemplated for a moment moving her to her bed, but she would be less likely to be disturbed on the couch. He left her and climbed into his bed. In the morning the four of them would make their way back to the Alliance base, hopefully before another attack hit. If all went well, they would be back in time to kick a Kaiju ass one more time before ending it all.

~~~~~

_James could feel himself reaching for Shepard as she fell. She was screaming for him to catch her. She was blaming him the further she fell, and she fell for such a long time. When she finally hit the water it felt as though hours had passed, but he jumped in, searching for her. He couldn't see anything, only feel around in the dark waters for her. He felt the metal of the Jaeger everywhere he reached but she had to be around there somewhere. Eventually his hands came across what felt like her suit and he pulled her up in his arms. He kicked hard toward the surface, then the bioluminescent glow of the Kaiju surrounded him and she was sweept from his arms all over again. This time he went tumbling and turning until he landed on his feet._

_The sea was still black around him, only this time it was composed of friends. Faces he knew well, and others he had only seen in passing. They all wore black and had faces stained in tears. He couldn't tell where he was at, until he saw a casket. He walked forward expecting to see picture frames filled with photos of Ashley, expecting to hold up Shepard as she found her legs buckled under the weight of a lost friend. But as he peered over he didn't see pictures, instead it was an all too familiar face. Shepard lay motionless and pale before him, unchanging, unresponsive._

_He reached out to touch her, to wake her up, but she was always out of reach._

_~~~~~_

_Shepard sat on the end of the docks. Her hair blew in the wind. Multiple boats around her knocked against the wood. She breathed in the salty air and felt instantly at ease. Though to most the sea brought terror, she still felt at home._

_~~~~~_

_All Kaidan could see was the sky. Stars moved and shimmered around him. He felt weightless, and he could feel his stress floating away from him. The stars burned brighter the longer he stayed. Eventually the light engulfed him and he he felt himself let go of something he never thought he could._

_He let go of Ashley._

 


	21. Id, Ego, Superego

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As usual James misses Shepard and Harper is an asshole.

James jolted from his sleep noticing that while he had been able to function perfectly fine without Shepard, he didn't want to anymore. Especially not having woken up from that dream without her in the next bed over. He knew he wouldn't be able to talk to her for quite some time as she was currently asleep and would then be flying back to the Alliance base. Nonetheless he still sent a text message.

_Text me when you can. We really need you... and Alenko back._

He sighed, knowing he would have to deal with the discomfort and near panic that came with his dream until he saw her again. He wasn't used to being without her, and he wondered what the end of the war held for them. They hadn't really discussed it, as they didn't see any end in sight. Now, however, the end was close enough to touch.

"Hey, you doing alright?" Garrus asked as he sat down across from James.

"Yeah, I just really miss Shepard," he responded.

"You miss her when she goes to the bathroom," Garrus shook his head.

"In the time that I've known her, Shepard and I have spent a total of like three weeks apart. I mean, even when we don't get along we still spend time together."

"Did you hear they found Dr. T'soni and are heading back as soon as possible? Anderson said they should be back before the next attack," he assured him.

James nodded and continued eating as the others sat down at the table. He turned his jello cup over in his hand and passed it over to Edi. She placed a reassuring hand on his arm but took the cup anyway. She knew things like this could hurt in odd ways, even if she was coming back. It was times like these he was appreciative of her masters in psychology. He was sure she understood why he was upset better than he did.

He had been texting Shepard every day and talked with Anderson about her return. Chakwas said she would give Shepard a checkup to clear them for fighting. With Dr. T'soni there would only be a few more fights left, but he was glad he would get to take those last few with her and alongside his friends.

~~~~~

Shepard took Liara's hand as she stepped out of the helicopter and helped her down to the ground. She reached up and helped Glyph to the ground as well.

"You think James is going to be happier to see me or you?" Kaidan joked.

"He's going to be all over you," she laughed.

The two of them directed Liara and Glyph into the building. Kaidan held some of their lab supplies, Shepard held their bags of personal items. Anderson awaited them at the entrance. He greeted Liara and Glyph and took them to the labs where Tali and Mordin were currently at work. Kaidan followed with their equipment and Shepard headed off to place their personal items in their room.

Miranda met Shepard as she was coming down the hall to the bunks. She offered to take a bag off her hands but Shepard denied. They walked down the halls to the empty room Miranda had already prepared for them, it was the closest she could find to the labs.

"I'm surprised James hasn't come and found you yet. Garrus has already found Kaidan and they're playing darts," Miranda said as Shepard placed the bags on either bed.

"Our lives don't revolve around each other," Shepard said.

"You two are closer than most of the other pilots I've seen."

"...okay so our lives revolve around each other a little. But he's probably just not sure where I'm at."

Miranda nodded at the more likely answer.

"So you and Kaidan? How did that go?" 

"Well, we found Dr. T'soni," Shepard said as they walked out of the room and toward the hall the pilots stayed in.

"I know that, I mean with the whole one bed thing?"

"I... never told you about that," Shepard looked over at Miranda who shrugged.

"Who do you think set up the room?" she asked. 

"Now isn't the time to try playing match maker," Shepard rolled her eyes. "We don't have time to think about any of that."

"Just because you've lived your whole life fighting doesn't mean you can't try to take a little pleasure where you can."

"We're close to the end, I can do that after we finish this," Shepard explained.

Miranda sighed but nodded and left Shepard to find her way back to her room. On the way she stopped by the mess hall and said hello to Joker and Edi. James would usually have been there, but the two hadn't seen him all day. Shepard thought it odd, but headed back to their room in hopes of finding him there.

"James?" she called as she opened the door. 

"Shepard!" James smiled. He got up from his bed quickly and pulled her into a tight hug. 

Shepard relaxed in his arms a bit. It felt good to be where she called home again, even if she had only spent a few days away. It had been rather stressful at first, and she was worried about a Kaiju attack the entire time. Luckily they had gotten back a few days before the next predicted attack. That would give Liara enough time to make a plan to start her research. It seemed like in a couple of months they could finally bring an end to the apocalypse.

"Have you had anything to eat yet?" she asked. 

"Not yet, I was waiting for you to get back," he answered. 

"Let's go get something then and I'll tell you about how I stabbed someone on this trip."

"You what?" 

Shepard laughed and opened up the door without another word. James shook his head and followed after her. He let the door close behind them and started down the hall with Shepard. He put his arm over her shoulders and smiled. An alarm sounded above them.

This Kaiju had come much earlier than expected. Things were getting worse at a rapid pace. Shepard thought this may help move Liara's work along faster, but she wasn't sure if this meant things couldn't get better. Now wasn't the time to be thinking such things, now was the time to help others into their Jaeger and to help save the world. 

~~~~~

Shepard hated standing in the back of the communication room. She hated feeling helpless. She hated listening to the fight. She hated every aspect of not being in a Jaeger, but she didn't have a choice. Going out was too risky at this point and she didn't want to hurt James anymore than the last drift already had. Chakwas had said two weeks and they could be back in the fight, but that didn't mean she didn't want to be out there this very second. 

"Watch your left, Normandy," Miranda said.

All eyes were glued to the screens in front of them. This was an odd fight, as most of the time the goal was to destroy the Kaiju as much as possible, this time it was needed to be kept in tact as much as possible. Liara needed as much functional Kaiju parts as she could get her hands on to work with, it made this fight much harder and much more important than any other they had fought. 

James wished he was in a Jaeger just as much as Shepard. He wasn't sure how those others managed to sit here through every fight. He had a new sort of respect for them, being able to sit back while the action panned out in front of them. Of course, there were some who didn't want to fight, but he knew for a fact Miranda had been trying to find a drift partner for years. He was glad to have Shepard, and that he would be able to go back to fighting with her soon. 

"Miranda, watch Eden Prime's left too. Send over Cerberus," Shepard said from their position in the back. 

Miranda relayed the information to the teams. She thanked Shepard for her input, but Cerberus didn't move. 

Shepard sucked in a breath and clenched her fists. Cerberus got on her nerves enough fighting alongside them, actually seeing them ignore Miranda infuriated her. 

"Cerberus are you reading?" Miranda repeated.

Shepard could see the frustration on Miranda's face. She shook her head and walked up t her. Miranda sighed and handed the receiver over to Shepard without a word.

"Cerberus, we need you to respond. You're the only Jaeger out there strong enough to help out Eden Prime," Shepard said. 

A moment of silence passed before there was a response. 

"Cerberus copies, we'll head to help out Eden Prime," Harper said. 

"Play to their egos..." she shrugged. 

"At least it worked," Miranda took the receiver back.

Shepard placed one hand on the desk next to Miranda and leaned on it, the other rested on the back of her chair. She focused on the moving dots for a moment, taking in the scene in front of her. Behind her, Anderson smiled a bit. His mind flashed to years ago, when Shepard was first starting to understand fighting.  

~~~~~

_"Anderson?" Shepard asked._

_"Not now Jane, watch your left!" he called over the comms._

_"Anderson..." she repeated._

_"Jane I need you to go back to sitting over there."_

_"If Mako comes down to help Normandy then Eden Prime can move off to take the category two that just surfaced..." she paused for a moment. "Right?"_

_Anderson looked at the screen in front of him. He picked up the receiver and handed it to Shepard._

_"Mako, come down and help Normandy. Eden Prime I want you to take off toward the category two that just surfaced north of you," she said._

_"Who's the kid?"_

_"Jane Shepard... Anderson gave me authorization to give this order."_

_"Alright then, we copy ma'am."_

_"You're smart," Anderson said and pat her on the shoulder._

_"Learned from the best."_

_~~~~~_

Shepard helped lead the teams through this battle alongside Miranda. It wasn't her first and probably wouldn't be her last. Anderson would have been happy to retire and leave Alliance to her, but he couldn't leave the war at this point. They had been feeling close to an end for years, and it was now in sight. It wouldn't take more than a year to finally come to an end, to finally come home to Kahlee and never have to leave, to take Shepard on the fishing trip he had promised her years ago.

Shepard gave Miranda a strong pat on her shoulder. She nodded at James and headed toward the door and out to the hangar as the Jaegers loaded back in. They made a b-line to Joker, Edi, Kaidan, and Garrus as they came out of their Jaegers. They all seemed exhausted from their fight and Edi was holding Joker up. 

"You know, being rattled around in the cockpit makes me really appreciate the fact these suits protect my otherwise very fragile, but attractive, physique," he joked. 

Edi chuckled and shook her head. James stepped in to take Joker off her shoulder. He rolled his eyes at the joke which only made Joker laugh at himself. 

"You're not funny," Garrus shook his head. 

"I'm hilarious... and ready for a nap," he argued. 

Kaidan nodded a bit. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes for a moment. Shepard placed her hand on his back. He looked down at her. 

"You okay?" she asked.

"I'm fine..." he nodded. 

James started out of the hangar slowly. Edi stood walked alongside them, the rest followed behind. Spirits were high, an almost completely in-tact Kaiju had been retrieved, nobody was hurt. It was the first fight in a long time that had gone well.

Then Harper approached. 

"No 'thank you'?" he asked and was met with silence. 

"For what?" Shepard asked.

"Saving you out there."

"Let me get this straight," she stepped forward. 

Everyone knew another fight was bound to happen, but at this point they let her continue.

"You want a thank you for following orders and doing the bare minimum to keep your teammates safe?" she asked. 

"Last I checked, you needed me out there." 

"You know what..." she took a deep breath. "Thank you Leng, for putting up with this asshole in the drift so none of  _us_  have to." 

Harper clenched his fists and looked back at Leng and nodded, Leng stepped forward and swung at Shepard. She ducked under his fist and hit his legs out from under him. Leng fell to the ground and Shepard straightened herself out. 

"Swing."

"What?"

"If you want to fight  _you_  swing, I'm not fighting Leng anymore," she stepped closer to Harper and lowered her voice. "Swing." 

Silence fell across the group as Shepard and Harper stood face to face. Harper stood rigid with his fists closed to his side. Shepard stood relaxed in front of him, giving no indication of blocking his first punch. She would take it, but after that wouldn't hesitate to fight. He knew that, those watching knew that, Leng who stayed on the floor knew that. 

"You're not worth my time," he said and turned to leave. 

"I'm worth your time when you aren't fighting your own fight. Goodnight Harper," Shepard said.

She reached down and offered Leng a hand up. He pushed it aside and stood up on his own. He followed Harper and Shepard turned to walk back out of the hangar.

"That was... impressive," James said. 

"I'm sick of playing his games. He doesn't get to see anger out of me anymore," Shepard said and walked off ahead of the group. 

"She scares me..." Joker muttered. 

"You don't have to drift with her..." James said. 

Kaidan walked faster to catch up with Shepard who seemed to be enveloped in her own thoughts. He lightly tapped her arm and she looked up at him. 

"Do you want to go check up with Liara in a bit to see how she's coming along?" he asked. 

Shepard nodded. 

They walked back to their rooms without another word from her. 


	22. One Step Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An ending comes even closer, Kaidan and Shepard have a connection.

"Are you sure you're okay?" James asked, watching Shepard tie her shoes on her bed. 

"I'm going to see Dr. T'soni, I won't run into either of them on the way over there."

"It just... you were the scary sort of mad at Harper where you get all quiet and seem calm," he paused. "I've only seen you like that a handful of times, like when..."

"Ash died. I know," she took a deep breath. "I promise I'm okay."

"Alright, but when you get back I'm forcing you to take time to relax. There's a lot coming up soon and I'm not letting you go into it like this," he said.

Shepard smiled and rose to her feet. She straightened out her shirt and walked out the door. Kaidan wasn't out of his room yet, she walked over and knocked lightly on his door. Garrus opened it a moment later. 

"Hey, he's down the hall talking to Joker and Edi about something if you want to wait for him," he explained. 

"Sure," she nodded. 

Garrus glanced down the hall and didn't see any signs of Kaidan. He spoke again. 

"I hope you know that he cares a lot about you."

"Why is everyone so interested in this?" she sighed.

"It's because nobody wants to focus on the fact the world has been ending for most of our lives. We were all invested in Joker and Edi when they got together, it's the same thing." 

Shepard remembered back to the days of teasing Joker relentlessly about his crush on his drift partner. It had given everyone a much needed distraction from the stress of the war. Every moment of downtime was spent trying to get them to go on a date, or verbally confess feelings already shared in the drift. Once they finally agreed to take a night off to go to dinner, everyone rejoiced. It was a little victory in all of the hardship they had been going through.

"That... makes sense..." she sighed. "I just don't like that it's me."

"Well you need to learn to deal with it, because you won't be stopping us anytime soon. Hell, even James is invested." 

Shepard laughed a bit and glanced back at her door. She hadn't expected him to want her to date Kaidan, but a distraction was a distraction.

"Invested in what?" Kaidan asked as he walked back toward Shepard and Garrus. 

"Nothing," Shepard shook her head. "Ready to go talk to Liara?"

"Yeah, let's go," he ushered her down the hall and she happily followed.

They walked down the halls toward the labs. Shepard had visited a few times, but recently had hardly been there. Tali and Mordin weren't in the forefront of her mind, fighting took presience over most else in her life. She felt a little bad about it, but promised to herself she would make it up to them soon.

"Liara?" Kaidan called as the pair entered the labs.

Mordin didn't look up from his work. He motioned to a corner where she stood meticulously poking at a piece of the newly collected Kaiju. They headed back to her and Shepard gave a small wave to Tali who smiled brightly at her before getting back to her numbers.

"How's it going?" Kaidan asked.

"Rather well, I already have a basic understanding of Kaiju genetics from my research, but this is more in tact parts than I have ever dealt with. It's truly amazing and I have some theories as to how we could send a bomb through. More data needs to be collected and I need to check my numbers with some of Mordin's simulations, but... It's a start," she explained. 

"That's right," Kaidan nodded.

"A start is better than nothing," Tali added from across the room.

Shepard smiled. She had dreamed of a day that an end to the war would be in sight, and finally she had it. It was really here, after years of fighting and pain, she could see something better. She could move back to the coast, start sailing again, maybe even find the shipwreck she had lost her parents to. Dreams had never been an inkling of a reality for Shepard, but standing in the labs at this moment they finally had some reality to them.

"Thank you," Shepard blurted out.

"For what?" Liara asked.

"For coming here, for helping us. You... you're bringing an end to a war kids grew up in, not knowing there was anything else other than fear and fighting. Without you we wouldn't be here... so thank you."

Liara smiled softly at her words. She placed a hand on Shepard's arm and didn't say anything more, yet, somehow Shepard knew Liara was thanking her just as much for a variety of things. For taking care of Kaidan, for fighting, for more things she couldn't quite understand. It was a quiet moment and nobody else felt it, but Shepard and Liara did. 

"What's your theory?" Kaidan asked, breaking their thoughts. 

"We know sending a bomb inside a Kaiju is risky as we don't know what elements would be rejected, if any at all. That means we have to completely mask the bomb with Kaiju genetic coding. Lucky enough for us, Kaiju blood is incredibly explosive when it comes in contact with rare Earth elements which, with Alliance clearance, we can get our hands on. I'll need to run simulations, but I believe using Kaiju bio-matter would be our most favorable option in this case. We would need to create a device that could administer the right levels of our element of choice into Kaiju blood, but I already have theoretic blueprints for such a device as well. It would take a lot of hazardous work, which is our downfall in this process... but as I have seen, not many people here shy away from a hazard." 

"Absolutely not," Shepard shook her head. "Is there any of this I can help with?" 

"You're not allowed to go into battle for another week or so, correct?" 

Shepard shook her head.

"Collecting bio-matter and Kaiju blood will be on those out at sea after battles... do you have any experience in engineering?"

"I grew up around here so I have a little bit, Ian Legion is a really great engineer though."

"I'll look into him, but if I need engineering help I may ask you."

"Garrus and I will do our best to get you back as much as we can," Kaidan said. 

Liara thanked the both of them. Kaidan talked with her a bit more about how she was settling in and Shepard talked with Tali and Mordin about how they had been since the last time she had talked to them. Eventually they left them to their own work and exited as Glyph was coming back from Chakwas. He glared slightly at Shepard who couldn't help but laugh.

~~~~~

"This is amazing..." Shepard said, sitting with Kaidan outside of their rooms. 

"We're so close," he nodded. 

"God... I was so young when the first attack happened. I think I was like six or something, I hardly have any memories before the attacks. It's just nights charting stars with my mom and talking about types of fish with my dad and then..." she trailed off. 

"Yeah, after the second attack my parents moved us inland. I hated them for it, but I get it now. They just wanted to keep our family safe..."

"My dad wanted to move inland... but mom said it wasn't a good idea to move our entire life when hardly any attacks were hitting our coast... if she had just listened to him..." she shook her head.

"I'm... sorry."

"Don't be," Shepard shook her head. "What's done is done, and dwelling won't bring them back. Trust me, I've tried..." she looked down at her hands. 

Kaidan reached out and placed his atop of her's.

"This is going to end soon... This is all going to be worth it," he spoke softly and lightly squeezed her hands. 

"I hope so..." she whispered. 

Kaidan's eyes roamed over her face. This moment was so soft and gentle compared to everyday life. He wanted it to last forever. He wanted to never leave this moment. He wanted to stay perched atop his steps with Shepard forever. Kaiju be damned, he wanted her. He leaned forward slightly and froze, unsure if he should attempt to kiss her at the moment. 

 _Screw it_ , he thought.

Kaidan went to close the gap but the door behind them opened, halting him in his tracks. 

"Kai-oh, there you- OH. Sorry..." Joker stammered. "I'm just going to uhh... leave you two alone."

Kaidan sighed. Joker pushed past them and back down the hall. The door slowly closed behind them. Shepard laughed a bit. 

"I'm going to head back in, James wants me to himself for a bit before dinner. I'll talk to you later," she pat his shoulder and stood up.

"Yep... yeah... okay..." he nodded and stood himself. "I'll see you at dinner then."

"See you later, Alenko." 


	23. The Last Conversations of Kaidan Alenko and Jane Shepard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the end folks! The next few chapters are the last conversations before the big fight.

"I've got good news and bad news, which do you want to hear first?" Chakwas asked as she entered the room again. 

"Bad news," Shepard answered. 

"The bad news is that you're dehydrated, but the good news is that you're cleared for the next attack," she responded and handed a water bottle over to Shepard. 

"That's... that's it? I'm dehydrated? I can fight?" 

Chakwas nodded with a smirk on her face. 

"Finally!" Shepard laughed. She pulled James into a tight hug. 

The pair had been waiting for what seemed like forever to be cleared to fight. They had missed so many Kaiju and had been forced to watch their friends from the sidelines. Finally they were able to get back on their feet and put themselves back in a Jaeger, just in time for their last fight. Liara's plans had panned out perfectly, and the next attack was going to be it. They were going to bring an end to the apocalypse that had reigned for as long as most were able to remember. 

They were finally able to be free.

"There is one stipulation," Chakwas continued. 

"Okay, we'll do anything to get back in a Jaeger," James said.

"Promise me you won't drift while fighting ever again, and that you won't show up for anything more than a headache or a hug?" 

"Deal," they both said at the same time. 

The pair flew out of the med bay and down to the mess hall as fast as they could. Dinner had just started and they could tell their friends the good news all at once. They would be able to take their last stand together, as an oddly stitched together family. They came from backgrounds both good and bad, but they were here for all the right reasons. They were here to save people, and they were finally met with the ability to bring an end to everyone's sorrow. 

Shepard and James sat at the table trying to hide their grins. 

"Where's Kaidan?" Shepard asked. 

"Talking with his parents. He should be back soon," Garrus responded. 

Shepard nodded. She and James shifted impatiently and watched the door. The moment Kaidan sat down with his tray they spoke again. 

"So we have news," Shepard announced. 

All eyes shifted to them. 

"Oh my God you're pregnant," Joker gasped. 

"Seriously?" James asked, exasperated. 

"Damn it, we're cleared to fight." 

A chorus of cheer erupted from their friends who were almost as excited as James and Shepard. Everything was looking up for them, which they all knew meant something bad was coming soon. At the moment the didn't pay that thought a second of attention, it was all focused on the perfection of the moment. 

~~~~~

"Hey! You have a minute?" Kaidan asked Shepard as she exited her room with a basket of laundry. 

"Sure, you want to walk with me?" she asked. 

He nodded and stepped off his steps to meet her walking down the hall. 

"It looks like this is all ending soon," he started. 

"Yep." 

"Which means we should start giving some thoughts to those drinks..."

Shepard laughed. She hadn't thought about his proposition in a while, most of her efforts were set on getting back into a Jaeger and helping Liara. But he was right, they were able to take time to think about it. They were able to take the time to have a little fun.

"Alright, so where are we going to go?" she asked. 

"I was thinking, after we close the breach for good... places along the coast are going to start opening up again and there's this restaurant my parents went to on their first date and for a while they went there every anniversary. It's kind of cheesy but..."

"That sounds perfect," she smiled. 

She couldn't wait for the day she would be able to focus on things like this every day. Dates had always seen so trivial in the grand scheme of things. But as the ever present fear of war dwindled away, she was happy to find the thought of dating something a bit more important. 

"It's in Vancouver which is a couple hours away, but I figured you would want to get back to the coast as soon as possible. We could make a date out of it and-"

"I already said yes Kaidan," she chuckled, setting her basket on a washer. She started unloading them into one next to it. 

"Right... yeah..." he smiled sheepishly and moved to help her. "So... where's James?" 

"Knitt... napping. He's napping."

"...Were you about to say knitting?" he asked in disbelief. 

"Not if you want to go out for drinks I didn't..." 

"Alright," Kaidan laughed, mulling the idea of James knitting over in his head. 

It was a funny thought, but in a way it made sense. He was periodically sending packages out, and going into town, only to bring back a bag he wouldn't let anyone look at. It was something to pass the time other than reading, a habit most fell into. Nonetheless, James knitting made him smile. 

Soon enough he found himself folding clothes alongside Shepard talking about his parents. 

"Yeah, they're excited to see me again. Mom is going on and on about how she can't wait to show me off to 'the girls'... whatever that means... and dad has been talking about showing me how to properly grill," he said. 

"Grill what? And are we talking a grill-out or a barbecue, because those are two different things."

"I... don't know?" he laughed. 

"Come on Alenko, pay attention."

He looked over at her and smiled. His parents were going to love her... Ashley would have loved to know that Shepard had come into his life after she had left. Maybe somewhere she was watching with a smile on her face as they grew closer and closer... He hoped she was.

His phone rang in his pocket and he pulled it out. His mother's contact came up on the screen and he picked up. 

"Hey mom, you're on speaker," he said and went back to folding. 

"Oh! Hello Garrus!"

"I'm not Garrus, sorry Ma'am," Shepard laughed a bit.

"Who is this then?" she asked. 

"My name's Shepard."

A moment of silence came across the line. 

"Is this  _that_  Shepard?" she asked, a question obviously directed at Kaidan.

"So, why are you calling mom?" Kaidan asked in an attempt to change subjects. 

"Woah, hey, you're not getting off that easy. What do you mean by 'that Shepard' Mrs. Alenko?" she asked. 

The conversation that followed became what Kaidan claims is the most embarrassing ten minutes of his life. The normality of the situation, however, made him happy. It felt nice having Shepard and his mother converse in such a normal way. Eventually their conversation came to and end of teasing him and he was once again allowed to speak.

"Anyway, why did you call mom?" he asked.

"Oh, I was just wanting to see how your day was going, but I can tell you're busy so I'll let you get back to whatever... or whomever... you were doing. Goodbye! I love you dear!"

"MOM!"

And with that the line silenced. He sighed and put his head down on the washer as Shepard proceeded to cackle next to him with the breathless phrase of "I love your mother" being repeated in varying intervals. 

~~~~~

"I'll talk to you tomorrow," Kaidan said and handed Shepard her laundry basket back. 

"You know... tomorrow we might wake up to saving the world..." she smiled a bit at the thought. 

Kaidan nodded, that increasingly familiar feeling of wanting to kiss her bubbling up again. She turned back to her door and started up the steps. 

"Shepard," he said and grabbed her arm.

She turned back around and this time he didn't hesitate to kiss her. 


	24. The Last Conversations of Kaidan Alenko and Garrus Vakarian

"Where did you run off to?" Garrus asked as Kaidan wandered back into their room. 

"The laundry room..."

"Why?"

"To talk to Shepard..."

"Of course that's the reason," Garrus laughed and looked back at his book.

"Hey," Kaidan said and turned on his bed to Garrus. "Thank you." 

"For what?" he asked.

"For believing in me... You took one hell of a chance making me your drift partner and took on a hell of a lot of weight seeing the shit that's in my brain... but you put the fight back in me. I'm glad you're my drift partner."

"I think you're forgetting you took a chance with me too. I had never drifted before we met and you still trusted me to learn with you... I'm glad you're my drift partner too."

A moment of silence fell across them again as they weighed each other's comments. Neither of them would be in the spot they were in currently without each other. They hadn't quite noticed the importance they held in each other's lives until this moment, but it usually takes an abnormally large battle to make people appreciate what they have. Be that friends, family, or a nice warm bed. 

"Are you worried about this next fight?" Garrus asked. 

"A little," Kaidan responded. "But we've been working at this for a long time, and I know that whatever that breach throws at us we can handle. I mean, look at the team we're taking with us; Joker, Edi, Shepard, James, Grunt, Wrex, hell... even Harper and Leng. We're all working toward the same goal and we're all going to fight until the very last straw for each other. We're going to be fine."

"You're right..." Garrus nodded. 

He had been working with these people for years and was honored for every step. This past year had been a bumpy ride, but one he was more than thankful for. The end of suffering was in sight, after years and years of fighting, they had made it and were within hours of that end. He couldn't quite fathom it, but did his best to try. 

"You know I get to see my family after this for the first time in years..." Garrus chuckled a bit. "I've really missed home food..." 

"Me too, I'll have to bring you by my house sometime... My mom wants to meet you and definitely wants to feed you," he laughed. 

"As long as you agree to coming to see my family as well, my sister is dying to meet you and ask you all sorts of questions about... I don't even know what. I'm sure she stereotypes you as the 'too nice Canadian' though."

The pair laughed again. Talking about the ending made freedom feel like something they could taste. It was exhilarating in an odd sense of the word, but they accepted it was exactly what they needed. 

"I'll have to wear something nice to meet them then, try to fully convince her we're all perfect." 

Garrus laughed more at Kaidan's proposition. 

"Please do, it'll be hilarious."

Kaidan smiled and laid back on his pillow thinking of the future. He had so much to look forward to for the first time. He had Shepard, and meeting Garrus' family, and Shepard meeting his, and planning dates. He had a normal future without endless fighting to look forward to. 

"What are you thinking about?" Garrus asked after a bit of silence. 

"We get a normal future to look forward to... kids are going to go to the beach for the first time, old family businesses are going to open up again, life is... life is going to be normal... we did it." 

"Yeah... we did." 

"Holy..."

"Are you crying?"

"You aren't?" 

Garrus laughed, admittedly holding back tears of his own the longer they sat there. They had finally done it. 


	25. The Last Conversations of Jane Shepard and James Vega

"What's next?" Shepard asked. 

It had been a while since she returned from doing laundry and her mind had been running about thinking of everything related to the end of the war. James was knitting, she had been putting away Laundry and was humming to a song they had tuned into on their radio. 

"What do you mean?" James asked, pausing his project and looking up at her. 

"After all of this... what's next? I've been in this war almost my entire life, and anything I could have gone back to is at the bottom of the Pacific," she looked over at James. "What do we do next?" 

"We can move to some little house on the coast, because I know you'll like that... and we can visit my sister and Lana... and just take it one step at a time from there," James responded. 

Shepard nodded. There had never been time to think this far into the future. Most of their lives were lived day by day and making plans for the future was odd to her. She enjoyed it. The ability to look forward to tomorrow was a luxury all of the fighting finally paid for. 

"I never thought I'd be able to go sailing again..." she said and placed the empty basket under her bed. 

"You'll have to teach me the ropes." 

"I hardly remember any of it myself. I was so young when Anderson took me in, my parents never had the chance to really teach me anything. We'll be learning together," she smiled.

"We should name our boat The S.S. Lola."

Shepard laughed. She thought about it for a moment. The wind would blow through her hair. She would pull up a small net of fish as James planned for their next dock. Life would be simple for the first time. She hoped they would still talk to their friends from the base, and hoped someday she and Kaidan would work out. But as for right now she was happy to daydream about simple life on a boat. 

"James Vega and Jane Shepard, captains of The S.S. Lola, best fishermen around." 

"Damn right," James couldn't help but laugh as well. 

His sister would undoubtedly give him hell about this, but it was worth it. He and Shepard were there for each other through thick and thin, and after the fighting stopped they wouldn't give each other up as though it were nothing. In his mind they may never give each other up. Growing old on a boat seemed like the natural next step in their lives. Of course there was a chance Shepard would fall in love with Kaidan, at which point they would have to part ways, but they could always come back to each other. Maybe someday they would have their own families that met on holidays and listened to their estranged war stories. 

"This is our last fight," he said softly, eyes fixated on the ceiling. 

"If Tali's prediction is right we'll be packing everything up in twenty-four hours," Shepard added.

"That's..." he trailed off. 

"Yeah, I don't know how to feel either."

Of course an end was what everyone wanted, but things could go wrong. Throughout history, last fights always came with some sort of nasty twist. Someone had often sacrificed themselves for the greater good and no matter how well the plans were laid out there was something that came along nobody could expect. They didn't want to think about everything that could go wrong, but Anderson was already going through them himself. They would get a briefing in the morning on how to handle the major mishaps.

"I'm excited..." he said. 

"And nervous?" she asked.

"Yep..." 

"Well, we've worked to get to this point. We can take whatever is thrown at us and we have a team that's going to have our back out there," she assured him. 

"You're right..." he nodded. 

"And hey."

He looked over at her. 

"I'm glad I get to take this last stand with you... I'm glad we found each other."

James smiled. 

"I'm glad we found each other too."

The pair went back to their own activities. James continued to knit, Shepard read. Eventually they fell asleep, the soft music still playing on the radio. The clock counted down to the next Kaiju, but as for the moment, everything was calm. 


	26. The Last Conversations of Jane Shepard and David Anderson

Shepard walked into the communication room quietly. Anderson sat in a chair muttering to himself. She knew she could find him here at this time of night, still mulling over things that may go wrong. She sat in a chair next to him and he gave her a small wave, still focused on the papers in front of him that laid out the plan in detail. 

"I thought I'd find you here..." she said. 

"Shouldn't you be asleep?" he asked. 

"Shouldn't you?" 

"You got me there," he chuckled. "What are you doing up then?"

"James was snoring and I was having trouble sleeping anyway so I figured I'd come find you," she explained.  "Figured I'd try to convince you to sleep a little."

"You're too much like your mother," Anderson joked.

"Well Kahlee is right every time she tells you to sleep." 

Anderson smiled. Shepard had picked up mannerisms from Kahlee and himself as she grew up. Though they never had their own children, they had always looked at Shepard as if she was. Many times she had expressed her gratitude for their kindness in taking her in, but they were equally as grateful that she trusted them enough to become a part of their family. She needed them to keep her safe, and she was the missing piece they hadn't known they needed.

"Are you ready for the next alarm?" he asked. 

"Ready as I'll ever be... it's so close." 

"You can taste the freedom, huh?"

"Yeah. It's an odd feeling, all I've known is this war and it's going to be over..."

"I've always wanted you to be able to have something other than fighting from the day we took you in. Kahlee even fought against me ever bringing you here, but you insisted before you ever even talked to us to by just sitting in my car before I would head off to work. You always wanted to fight. I think you're the only person more headstrong than Kahlee," he chuckled. 

"I forgot I did that," she laughed. "I just wanted to make sure no other kids went through what I did."

"I know, and you did good child. You can rest easy knowing you saved lives."

Shepard smiled. Anderson had made her into the soldier she was today. Hearing validation from him was something she had never asked for, but in this moment it was exactly what she needed. All of her fears about the next day melted away. Anderson's belief in her and the team made believing they would win a little easier.

"Four hours until Tali predicts the alarm goes off..." she said 

"I think I'll pack this up and catch a few winks before then," Anderson stood.

"Alright old man, I'll see you later then," Shepard gave Anderson a quick hug.

The two left in their separate directions. They knew they would soon be returning in full uniform for the last time. They looked back at each other and smiled. 

"You did good, child."


End file.
